Rings around the moon.

We are out of our depth. The mental health team had one answer and one answer only - take the meds so you can get back to your own life. The means to achieve the end increased Service User's anxiety, and created a different goal: The goal of compliance. This accentuated the importance of another goal, being able to act sane...to fool the mental health team. Service User was good at this... I think he should take the SSRIs, I have no idea why he wont... Or why he wont consider actively trying to do things to help himself get better... Here is the question: When a person can act sane,or can act mad. Why perform madness if you can perform sanity? Service User's aunt can act sane. She kept a job until the place she was working at closed.. She managed to convince her GP that she was fine... If you can act it you are it... There is an idea of triggers, that something in the environment (internal or external) sets the behavior off... A person who performs sanit...

I need boundaries.. Because the fear and anxiety Service User is operating within, hijacks my thought processes. I find myself thinking about nothing else. Especially when he starts talking about how he wishes he could just end his life... More about that latter. So I will set a time limit of 25 minutes and use this blog as a place to help me to order my thoughts. Open ended rambling or rumination is pointless. So when he talks about suicide, what do I really think? He should be sectioned - This opens up more problems - he would need to section himself! It is a form of challenging behavior - though I'm good at letting it pass over me and through me (Dune reference) I'm getting hurt. He talks about it because the change he needs to make in himself is so great that it feels as if it requires death - death of the harming self.  It is the ultimate self-punishment, the logical conclusion. Ultimate self recrimination. He needs help..can a harming self be neutra...

This Monday is the first since it began that our weeks are free of the punctuation mark, that was the weekly visit from the psychiatrist. Yesterday, bad as it was, represents a kind of bends , a sense of trying to come up from the deep waters too fast and too soon.  We are agreed, husband and I, that I have borne the brunt of the stress. And it is time he stepped in sometimes, rather than staying out of it. The trigger for yesterday, happened before my husband said what he said. I'd watched Service User wolf down his dinner before I'd sat down, then watched him get up and begin pacing. So I asked him please to wait for everyone before beginning to eat, and if he is finished before anyone else, please either get up and clear the plate, and go pace in another room. Not up and down in the same room, transmitting that tense, itchy feeling as if there are ants everywhere... I thought, why am I saying this? Why isn't my husband saying this? Is it true I'm th...

Afternoon. I've just come back from walking in the rain. The air outside is warmer than in the house, and the low grey clouds, a damp blanket. Above me thunder rolling continually. I wanted the lighting to strike me. This thought turned up unbidden. And as I held onto my umbrella imagining the millions of volts and cascading elections, it was such a delicious, forbidden thought. The pleasure of absolute fearlessness. Today has been about theory Reading articles about the mind Asking myself, well then... what is my theory... Eventually it seemed to me that anxiety is like a starting motor, compelling a person into action. But it is a type of anxiety that can't be resolved, there is no target to hit, or enemy to avoid. The awareness of an anxious person is locked. Fixated on the false target that feels as hollow to them as it sounds to me. And any lessons awareness could create from the experience, doesn't happen. Nothing move or changes. Or, if it doe...

I should be celebrating. But I feel as if my chest is being crushed under a rock... Today, Service User got his official Discharge form. I guess a part of why I feel crushed is that Service User is cut off... I get messages from his friends saying, 'is he OK, he doesn't answer my calls or texts'. So he has us, his aged parents for company! I can't imagine anything worse... And we are feeling right miffed that our empty nest isn't! So it is the usual Friday night. Where the mental health team were There is now a gap. Filled with phone numbers to ring for help. Until his appointment in July. I am very glad we are out of the imminent sectioning zone. I've no idea what the next chapter looks like though... And now for us, it is time to gather and think about our resources and best ideas, and try to work out how best to proceed. A friend of a friend recommended a bed time routine and homeopathic aconite. And acupuncture. I think psychoth...

When the psychiatric team arrived I stayed where I was in the living room, and used the time to phone up about the nMRI scan... The company a person buys a scan from had tried to contact Josh. ...Josh wont answer his phone. I gave the nMRI company my phone number. I left my phone in the kitchen with instructions... And went to college. On return Josh told me a consultant had phoned him, and that a scan will be arranged. So, that's good. Josh is deep in recriminations this morning So I listen a while and then say, 'this is more self recrimination.' And You will be able to make better decisions after you have had the scan. It feels better to be able to say this instead of 'you cannot know' or 'you need to ask a doctor'. It feels much better to be able to say with truth and certainty - look, your experience is something and we have found the best way we can, to check out the possibilities' I don't expect it to stop the monologue about brai...

When the psychiatric team arrived I stayed where I was, and used the time to phone up about the MRI scan... The company a person buys a scan from had tried to contact Service User. ...Service User doesn't answer his phone. The phone was found Eventually .. pushed down inside Service User's duvet cover. I gave the MRI company my phone number. Yesterday I left my phone in the kitchen with instructions... And went to college. On retruen Service User told me a consultant had phoned him, and that a scan will be arranged. So, that's good. Service User is deep in recriminations this morning Of course... So I listen a while and then say, you will be able to make better decisions after you have had the scan. It feels better to be able to say this instead of 'you cannot know' or 'you need to ask a doctor'. I prefer to be able to say with truth and certainty - look, your experience is something and we have found the best way we can, to check o...

Service User is supposed to be looking for his phone in his room. This means he will be staring into the mirror. I'm expecting a visitation from the doctor and 'health team' And if they are not coming, the message will have gone to his phone. Just got Service User to check his emails on the computer and I've read that the NMR people passed the request for a scan to the hospital and the hospital was meant to get in touch - with Service User of course - so have they, did they? I cannot know... And so I'm wondering how this situation could be improved....because I like pointless mental exercises. OK, rewind. Supporting autonomy means supporting someone's actual choices, I don't think it means supporting someone's inertia. Is a failure to engage with things a choice, or an absence or what? I think inertia is the best word, because it isn't anything. What do I fear? There is a danger in the disconnect for sure, disconnecting from university,...

I've left Service User slumped in the garden. I've come to the computer to get some work done. I can't tell what I'm feeling So, I guess this is anxiety? Anxiety is the affect of fear - the non-conscious detection of threat (Damasio 1999). I suppose this means, I recognize things are wrong on a deeper level than my conscious brain can deal with. So, what's going on? I'm dreading the doctor's visit tomorrow (conscious recognition of threat...). I'm feeling bad for leaving Service User in the garden, but I can't talk about his beliefs with him again, I'm too aware of our conversation being over heard. Terrace house, small garden, everything is overlooked...I'm angry because the problems my husband and I have with each other were being worked through. This involved arguments. The empty nest suited me! how can I express my feelings of hurt and anger if I have to be quiet and nice (when I'm none of those things!) I'm angry...

The mindfulness lady sort of does a kind of CBT I think? Actually I don't know what she does, because I've never stayed in the room when she visits Service User. And It was mindfulness lady who told Service User that she was worried about him and would talk to another doctor. About going to hospital. It was mindfulness lady who turned up with a social worker. And it was mindfulness lady who knocked on the door yesterday, while Service User was out - getting biscuits - and who asked me how I was feeling... And so I told her! And she said that she 'knew how that must feel' and I said 'no, no you really do not know' The word patronizing was looping through my mind. Because the script never wavers, 'he must take his drugs'... And underneath it all, this is her belief. No offence, but it is like talking to Jehovah's Witnesses - except I can respect them. She said, 'why did you think he would be sectioned?' Me: you came her...

Thursday didn't start well. 9 am, Service User wasn't up... I went into his room And he had gone. I don't know how many minutes it took before I was a crumpled, sobbing mess. The worst visions spinning through my mind Specifically of his friend who had taken a similar path to Service User Had actually been taken into hospital for an assessment... And about a year latter had climbed out of a window, and gone to the rail tracks. And the other voice The one that says sensible things like, 'For goodness sake, he has every right to go out for a walk and every right to expect me to be ok about it' kept up its monologue.. As I let the panic run through me, calculating the effect of phoning people.. Asking myself who I could talk me down, from this absolute panic... In the end I phoned my husband (who couldn't answer the phone because he was at work) Then got my phone and filmed myself talking to myself. Telling myself to just let it be... Talki...

It is hard to like the word Rationalization It's a word I don't trust. But I guess it is where we are. We are at rationalization A kind of Ground Zero. My rationalization is this. I can't take the pressure the mental health team have put us under. The equation - Service User takes his medication or we section him Is too much for me. I believe there is a tipping point between anxiety fixating on something and becoming a cover story, a way to avoid the discomfort of reality that can shift a person away from eccentric and into dysfunctional mad. And that is where Service User has got himself. He struggled on. Avoiding the real issue. And tipped. Anxiety rendered his hippocampus unable to do what a hippocampus does. He was functionally demented. But the hippocampus recovers. Slowly When the cause of anxiety is gone... Enough days without adrenaline and he will recover And Service User began to.. And then the sectioning and pressure to take t...

Actually... I feel as if I was locked in a tumble drier. Now I've fallen out... I'm slightly burnt (my skin is raw) I'm covered in bruises. This is the state of my true self... Not helped by having to chase up the mental health team who have not returned my phone calles Re: changing their visit time tomorrow. It is hard living with someone who keeps on telling me that he is going to die And if only he could have had a test then he'd know.. The il-logic of it is hard work. Harder living under the threat that your son will be taken away 'for his own good' because a good patient would take his drugs. Yesterday I paid the money to get a private nMRI scan for Service User. Don't know if it will get him one. I assume putting someone in an nMRI scanner involves ethics... Here is my argument: I am writing this on behalf of Service User (I am his mother). Service User is under the care of the ----- ----- hospital mental health team. His pres...

It is hard to like the word Rationalization It's a word I don't trust. But I guess it is where we are. We are at rationalization A kind of Ground Zero. My rationalization is this. I can't take the pressure the mental health team have put us under. The equation - Service User takes his medication or we section him Is too much for me. I believe there is a tipping point between anxiety fixating on something and becoming a cover story, a way to avoid the discomfort of reality that can shift a person away from eccentric and into dysfunctional mad. And that is where Service User has got himself. He struggled on. Avoiding the real issue. And tipped. Anxiety rendered his hippocampus unable to do what a hippocampus does. He was functionally demented. But the hippocampus recovers. Slowly When the cause of anxiety is gone... Enough days without adrenaline and he will recover And Service User began to.. And then the sectioning and pressure to take t...

This is worse than I thought... Section 3 made sense to me - detaining someone because they could be at risk of serious harm to themselves or others. Section 2 is about accepting treatment. I personally believe if a person with a mental health problem wont take medication, but there is a plan in place to work on their cognition and feelings, even though this is a long term treatment, the Service User has a right to be listened to. Service User equated SSIs with poison. And getting him to take it was in effect like asking him to practice suicide. The only honest way to get him to take them was to say that he had to do it for us... It's funny, despite all the mistake I've ever made in my life Taking my son to the psychiatric hospital is the worst mistake of my life... Transcript of dialogue between me and psychiatrist. Dr: Service User, I've got to tell you, so this is your last chance I don't want to but I have no choice but to put you on a section 2...

You know what... My tutor was so right when she said "Always trust your gut feelings!" After I sat in the candle-lit darkness of the bathroom Trying to pull my heart back together... I didn't know why I was so upset. Slowly over the weekend it has dawned upon me exactly why there is no hope. Please, think about this for a moment: Service User has a story which is crazy, but nevertheless, there is something workable in there. But the staff of the mental health team have not been open or honest with us. I'd say that they have lied. They make me feel powerless, they have made me feel that I am wrong to ask questions. They have pressurized us into agreeing with their single answer to all problems (take the meds) and they have used hospitalization as a threat. This is how they treat people. Service User was screaming at the thought of seeing them the week before. That's how much better they make him feel. Happy, cared for? No. Theraputic? No. ...

Bear in mind - last week before the visit of the mental health team, Service user was screaming. This week before they arrived Service User just crept out of the house and my husband had to go looking for him. He doesn't switch his phone on In case the 'Mindfulness lady' gets in touch. So...a knock on the door and... Mindfulness lady plus another. I got to talk to them a bit I assume after my complaint that no one from the mental health team asks us how we feel about anything? So I was asked; 'How would you feel about your son being sectioned'? Well.. Let me see... I went for empathy. I can see why you would feel concerned... I played the CBT card, His environment has changed and I can see improvements now ...now he has been talking his SSI meds...would they be responsible for his improvement? ah, not yet. Perhaps being here is helping... But you know what. After Tuesday holding it together Wednesday and descent into anger Thursd...

Yesterday was as bad as it has ever been. Tuesday was awful, awful. And the stress took away my humanity. Yesterday I wouldn't listen to the constant monologue Service User keeps up about what he should have done. I couldn't even give eye contact. I was hurt and angry So angry that he wouldn't take his medication.. We went to the doctors for his 'booking visit' with the practice nurse, a situation that brought up anxiety for him and I hadn't got anything left. As I sat with him I ignored him. I couldn't say anything to him I'd just had enough and wanted out. This morning I awoke full of stress. Belly full of porcupines... A text from a freind I stood in the kitchin replying to her as the kettle began to boil.. It dawned on me that if this was a game by the medical team, or even if it isn't a game, the result is that we are focusing on the medication as the most important factor - which is a sensible aim, I agree... But the...

Yesterday I couldn't bear to be here for the doctor's visit. I was expecting to return to hear that we would be taking Service User into the hospital, and I could bear it. So I was in college. In theory, this is a safe space where I could be honest. In reality I covered it all up Though I told one or two of my friends what was really going on for me. When the tutor asked us one by one ' Quick, what is your greatest fear?' I just said 'maths' and pulled a face. Further round the class, others said, 'loosing their children' I thought then, how good I am at pulling down the blast shutters and keeping the explosions inside myself... At dinner time I returned home. The doctor was pleased with Service User. The Mindfulness lady will continue to visit. "Could Service User take his Citalopram in the morning because it would be more effective?" And "If Service User continues to take his meds, he can have a CT scan..." ...

I feel as if we are at a crossroads. And I'm taking the easy way out of tomorrow - when the doctor visits - leaving my husband to deal with what ever may be coming down the line towards us. I'm at college tomorrow, so I will come home at dinner time to see what's happened, and probably nothing will have happened or it will all have happened. Either way, I'm glad to duck out of it as much as possible because I feel as if I've dealt with most of it so far. I'm not good at cooperative probably, but mostly I feel that I've made most of the decisions because I'm the one aware of what's happening...only because I don't look away. It is a sore point for me - I feel crushed and unsupported. The college provides counselling - but somehow the booking system just goes astray. I could phone up the automated ' leave a message' side again, but is that going to be working any better than the email side? Well, either way. No counselling eithe...

After the visit of the Mindfulness lady During which Service User said 'things he shouldn't have said'? And Service User's agitation at the thought of being hospitalized. He realised that if he began to take the SSIs he may avoid being taken in... Even so When it came to it He was convinced that the tablet would kill him... But then, if he was in hospital, he would be given the same drug and more... So he took the tablet. I felt bleak and full of despair. The vision of him taking the tablet was like watching someone practice suicide. I mean, if I had a pill that I thought would kill me as surely as cyanide and I was able to put it into my mouth and swallow it. Too much like a rehearsal. The next night the fear of the hospital wasn't so great. The equation didn't balance for him... The way the first tablet had not killed him didn't really figure in his thinking. He didn't really care either way. Except he didn't want to ta...

I feel as if we are at a crossroads. And I'm taking the easy way out of tomorrow - when the doctor visits - leaving my husband to deal with what ever may be coming down the line towards us. I'm at college tomorrow, so I will come home at dinner time to see what's happened, and probably nothing will have happened or it will all have happened. Either way, I'm glad to duck out of it as much as possible because I feel as if I've dealt with most of it so far. I'm not good at cooperative probably, but mostly I feel that I've made most of the decisions because I'm the one aware of what's happening...only because I don't look away. It is a sore point for me because I feel crushed and unsupported. The college provides counselling - but somehow the booking system just goes astray. I could phone up the automated ' leave a message' side again, but is that going to be working any better than the email side? Well, either way. No counsel...

The doctor's visit is something I have changed my mind about. I'm sure it sounds ungrateful of me to say that I don't really value a consultant psychiatrist coming to my home, to advise us on the best way to proceed. But that is largely because... He has only one thing to say: Take your meds! He can say it fast Or slow Get angry even But no... Service user isn't going to take them... I decided to ask some questions last week. I wanted to know what kind of care plan is in place. If they wanted to know anything about us as a family If there were any support groups for families. How about CBT? And what happens if 'the service user' doesn't take the meds? There was me thinking that these questions were important.... The doctor sat opposite me with the nurse at the kitchen table And the air became as thick as treacle. Support group!!! No. What the doctor wanted to know from me was, how was I going to get the service user to take his meds....