The empty room.

Thursday didn't start well.
9 am, Service User wasn't up...
I went into his room

And he had gone.

I don't know how many minutes it took before I was a crumpled, sobbing mess.

The worst visions spinning through my mind
Specifically of his friend who had taken a similar path to Service User
Had actually been taken into hospital for an assessment...
And about a year latter had climbed out of a window, and gone to the rail tracks.

And the other voice
The one that says sensible things like,
'For goodness sake, he has every right to go out for a walk and every right to expect me to be ok about it' kept up its monologue..

As I let the panic run through me, calculating the effect of phoning people..
Asking myself who I could talk me down, from this absolute panic...
In the end I phoned my husband (who couldn't answer the phone because he was at work)
Then got my phone and filmed myself talking to myself.
Telling myself to just let it be...

Talking to myself, filming it, is the best way to make me be sane I've found.
something about having to put feelings into words..

Anyway, he came back.
I didn't let on how awful I'd felt.
A acted as if nothing had happened - except to say, 'oh if your go to the shops, bring me back some biscuits...

So, how am I?
Obviously I'm not in a very good way...