Rings around the moon.

He has told me he is a liar and so I cannot tell; was it truth or lie when he said that when he was sectioned there was a man so steeped in silent panic that all he could do was stand terror struck, breathing rapidly, no words. Josh said "I hugged him and he whispered thank you. When he was better I think it was because I hugged him" and I said, "probably..yes." My bracelet had arrived; it's a kind of Dune bracelet, the word version of the solar eclipse - did I write about that? Instead of Frank Herbert's words: "Fear is the mind killer I will face my fear..." my bracelet - due to character limit has the words on the outside: I let fear pass over me. And on the inside "I let fear pass through me.. And when I was terrified I could not let fear pass over me or through me, I stood terror struck, face to the wall, unable to speak of move.. So the timing of the story was interesting. An apology?

There is one core dialogue that took place in our kitchen between Josh, the psychiatrist and myself that stays...does not go away, does not lose it's power. By then it was already too late. If we had wanted to avoid Josh's suicide attempt, we had already missed the crossroads and taken the wrong direction. Nothing done by the Home Visit team helped Josh or us. I believe their treatment was instrumental in what happened later. Here is the dialogue. . Dr: How are you doing Josh: er OK Dr: OK and you stopped taking medication again Josh: I restarted it again on Friday again Dr: right so how many did you stop there Josh: erm 2 Dr: 2 days Josh: yeah Dr: do you want staff to come every morning to supervise taking the medication? J no... Dr: why not? Dr: I 'd rather not Dr: I'd rather not - what's the reason you'd rather not? You are going to take it anyway whether the staff here or not. Staff come and encourage you. You stop taking for...

I shall give him a name, let's call him Josh. Josh is called a 'service user' in various systems. The term service user is a status, rather than descriptor. The term could be seen as a prosaic, utilitarian description of a person using a service. Nothing wrong with the term, nothing I can easily put my finger on. Anyway, Josh is my son, and he doesn't have much choice about being a service user. Not because of legal constraints thank goodness, but there are subtle forces that create compliance, albeit very sensible and totally making sense to me reasons... Nevertheless the transformation from a person into a service user isn't life enhancing. At worst it can be seen as a ceremony of degradation: ... a formal or informal ritual that is used to eject an individual from a group and to rid that individual of his or her identity as a member of the group. Used to deal with people who subvert the norms of society. So if you are wondering what happens to se...

It seems ages since I last wrote here. And I know that my memory will be faulty... Nevertheless, this is is a hazy account of how 'things have been'.. It appeared to me that the first day after Citalopram was gone (about 7 and a half days after taking the last dose) things grew much worse. A period of worsening happened with the end of Risperdone. When that left Service User's system he became frantic - is a better way to describe it... Possessed would be the medieval diagnosis. And, as with the end of Risperdone, each subsequent day gets better than the one before Extreme behavior grows less and becomes less intense And Service User regains self control, and a sense of humor. There were a few days between the end of R and then the end of C. So I found it difficult, six days later when Citalopram 'left the building' to witness the reversal and descent back down into the constant walking, walking, walking - agitation. On the first day of Citalopr...

Thinking about the meeting... It was intimidating. I know no one there meant it to be But one way or another, with the holding pen just a few doors down the corridor away, and this being all about being kept in or allowed to go home.. Knowing that we don't know the rules of the game... It is even more intimidating now we know there isn't any help available - not because the hospital has withdrawn its help - it has not, and they want to help us, but the only help available is medication or the holding pen. And the consequence of phoning up to say this is too difficult would be that Service User has to return or...? Actually I don't know what would happen...no one has told us or Service User anything. And this is a big part of the problem, everything is hidden behind statements about ethos and ethics. In the meeting, the consultant explained to me about how they made every effort to work cooperatively with the family, and how the wishes of the Service User we...

Riding back home... Possibly the worst day Since the other worst days Made so difficult by my daughter who splurged her view of our parenting skills all over the ward... This is the first post I've tagged with #anger She had wanted him sectioned immediately I think... And she wasn't here to see what that could actually mean. Our attitude To be pretty bomb proof To keep on with the talking through... To seek testing where possible. To be there Not to abandon no matter what.. And to refuse to act against a person's will... Based on DBT - dialectic behavioral therapy. My daughter prefers her mental health issues to be treated as a brain problem and happily takes drugs. I've no idea what she thinks therapy is, but what ever it is, there isn't one way fits all. Service User was convinced taking medication would kill him. It wasn't something he could be rational about. And the mental health team could only focus on drugs. Service User did no...

The mindfulness lady sort of does a kind of CBT I think? Actually I don't know what she does, because I've never stayed in the room when she visits Service User. And It was mindfulness lady who told Service User that she was worried about him and would talk to another doctor. About going to hospital. It was mindfulness lady who turned up with a social worker. And it was mindfulness lady who knocked on the door yesterday, while Service User was out - getting biscuits - and who asked me how I was feeling... And so I told her! And she said that she 'knew how that must feel' and I said 'no, no you really do not know' The word patronizing was looping through my mind. Because the script never wavers, 'he must take his drugs'... And underneath it all, this is her belief. No offence, but it is like talking to Jehovah's Witnesses - except I can respect them. She said, 'why did you think he would be sectioned?' Me: you came her...

This is worse than I thought... Section 3 made sense to me - detaining someone because they could be at risk of serious harm to themselves or others. Section 2 is about accepting treatment. I personally believe if a person with a mental health problem wont take medication, but there is a plan in place to work on their cognition and feelings, even though this is a long term treatment, the Service User has a right to be listened to. Service User equated SSIs with poison. And getting him to take it was in effect like asking him to practice suicide. The only honest way to get him to take them was to say that he had to do it for us... It's funny, despite all the mistake I've ever made in my life Taking my son to the psychiatric hospital is the worst mistake of my life... Transcript of dialogue between me and psychiatrist. Dr: Service User, I've got to tell you, so this is your last chance I don't want to but I have no choice but to put you on a section 2...

You know what... My tutor was so right when she said "Always trust your gut feelings!" After I sat in the candle-lit darkness of the bathroom Trying to pull my heart back together... I didn't know why I was so upset. Slowly over the weekend it has dawned upon me exactly why there is no hope. Please, think about this for a moment: Service User has a story which is crazy, but nevertheless, there is something workable in there. But the staff of the mental health team have not been open or honest with us. I'd say that they have lied. They make me feel powerless, they have made me feel that I am wrong to ask questions. They have pressurized us into agreeing with their single answer to all problems (take the meds) and they have used hospitalization as a threat. This is how they treat people. Service User was screaming at the thought of seeing them the week before. That's how much better they make him feel. Happy, cared for? No. Theraputic? No. ...