Rings around the moon.

He said he had done this before Just walked out Into traffic. Last night Service User was really dissociated. He hit me and tried to bite. Became fixated, rigid and moving if you can imagine? He suddenly hit me on the forehead, hard. It was almost like something you would see in an exorcism, as if he were the preacher? But then he did it again, with obvious aggression. I told him he must take his medication for at least a month, in front of me. He seemed to take this in. I told him I would call the crisis team if he did not do this. In truth I really felt I should be calling them. I asked him if he would agree to go to hospital, but he said no. I knew he was getting close to being 'a danger to himself and others'.  I didn't phone because I'd felt so alienated by the hospital process when we had gone to them for help before. This stopped me from just phoning.... I didn't feel they would help. By 8pm he seemed better. He was cal...

After the visit of the Mindfulness lady During which Service User said 'things he shouldn't have said'? And Service User's agitation at the thought of being hospitalized. He realised that if he began to take the SSIs he may avoid being taken in... Even so When it came to it He was convinced that the tablet would kill him... But then, if he was in hospital, he would be given the same drug and more... So he took the tablet. I felt bleak and full of despair. The vision of him taking the tablet was like watching someone practice suicide. I mean, if I had a pill that I thought would kill me as surely as cyanide and I was able to put it into my mouth and swallow it. Too much like a rehearsal. The next night the fear of the hospital wasn't so great. The equation didn't balance for him... The way the first tablet had not killed him didn't really figure in his thinking. He didn't really care either way. Except he didn't want to ta...

The next day dawned and the implications of what is happening were before me.. His flat. What about rent? His stuff... What about his degree? It was a panic attack in 2017 that began all this... A panic attack caused by his dissertation... Would the university allow him to defer his work? What about his student loan? How much money would he have to pay back? Then What about me? I could feel anger rising. I have just applied for a course for which there isn't a loan (so I've been saving) would I now hove to pay off his dept and miss my opportunity to take up my training? How much is this panic about being unable to ask for help with his course work? Was he really prepared to throw away his degree when he had just one unit left to complete? What had his tutor done, didn't he notice that Josh was sinking without trace into a paranoid, zombie? What about his job. What about him. What did he imagine would happen.... As he was about to die It didn...

The first thing I did after getting up was to walk down to the GPs to ask if Josh could be seen as a 'guest'. The ambulance crew had reassured me that he could see a GP anywhere, and this had been one of our concerns about taking him away from his home...that it would be difficult to get a doctor. The receptionist was resolutely, implacable in her assurance that it is impossible to just see a doctor; that it would take a week at the very least to register him as a 'guest', we should go instead she suggested, to the drop-in centre. When I got home Josh was up and about and telling us how sorry he was.. Because he is about to die. I said, perhaps it is best if you die in a shrine room? And set about arranging for us to spend the day in a Buddhist shrine room... I thought if he can begin to relax If he can begin to notice that despite what he thinks, he isn't actually dying... Perhaps the panic will lessen and we can begin to get back to normal. All d...

As I drove closer to my son's address, the phone rang. His brother told us that Josh had just called another ambulance... We arrived before the ambulance crew. Josh was sitting in the kitchen, as white as a sheet, shaking and telling everyone that he was close to death He told us that this began the previous night while at work He had become unable to walk His legs turned to jelly... And I wondered how he had got home? But his legs had been OK for that... So he called an ambulance this morning And another just now He was convinced that he was about to die. I just saw someone having a massive panic attack. So I could be reassuring, and it was easy not to be caught up in his story... But I have never seen anyone so far gone before. The ambulance crew arrived Spoke to him kindly Reassured him that this is panic Took his blood pressure and temperature... Filled in forms... His brother stayed outside, the flat smelt of damp and everywhere was dirty. Perio...