Rings around the moon.

Ok, well this song was one of those moments... Husband and I were in the car. He had a whole load of CDs from charity shops. I pushed one into the player and it was this track. Possibly it was his reaction. I felt uncomfortable. I had a very clear image... It wasn't that I knew (that he'd been having sex with a co-worker in the car) it was that my unconscious  knew.  Whilst my conscious mind had no option other than to let everything fall into a greasy broken, mud pool, cold slime feeling. I can't describe that feeling of I don't know. It was a fog. Like being blind. It must be denial, but when I asked to know, he told me I was wrong. That sense of relief when ever he said it was over and that he loved me.  I didn't think that he was lying. But it didn't go away.. That greasy broken, mud pool, cold slime feeling. The trouble is, I think that listening to the twilight language of synchronicity is how 'mad' people think and perceive. And churning up thin...

I sent him this recording. It was made two months before I found out that he was still seeing X. Last week I found out that he had lied to me again, during the week when he appeared to be open and truthful, and promising to work with me to repair. I've been angry all week, angry enough to finally write the BIOTAL (blow it out the airlock) email. Here it is. --- Dear husband, In this recording I hear my great courage in seeking to find the truth, I also hear how I'm trying so hard not to annoy you. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice, that at any minute I will say 'the wrong thing' and then you will threaten to walk out specifically because you have seen how much this will hurt me. When I listen to the recordings I hear your irresponsibility and cruelty. Because you were aware each time that you got into the car with x (her), that your actions would inevitably cause great pain and damage to your family. The way you did this, your lack of foresight and consideration, ...

Her husband is terrible.  Well, my husband thinks so. I didn't think so. Sure, he had a head full of thoughts spinning like bees. This afternoon in my car Under the trees In my car I was Fully triggered In full nightmare flash-back mode. A park. Not 'The' park. Park enough. Waiting for my friend, who has the same name as 'the other woman' I looked at my phone Her 'Terrible' husband had left a trail through Messenger that I had not picked up...because I didn't have Messenger on my phone until today. And thus I learned that she hasn't gone back to work. None of my business. Nevertheless I'm so glad...

You may have got that I'm not accepting it? It is an integrity thing.  And my rational mind says it isn't 2% it is more like 0.2 %. Even so I'm not accepting that our marriage is over.  I know what he did, I know what he has said. I do believe that he wants a relationship with her. Even if he doesn't, I believe he doesn't want to be with me. I do feel as if I'm riven through with rusty swords, several of which he actively chose to stab me with. I have to crawl my way out of this, seeking help from those who will stand by me. The many, many strong and good people who will help. This is sanity? Yes, because I'm looking at my inner mirror, seeking to become the person I prefer myself to be. Looking at things in the context of life and death. And the sacred. I should have done this from the first, heaven knows I've been told this by the best teachers, I knelt before Ato Rinpoche and took Bodhisattva vow. And my knowledge was swept away in a hope and fear tsu...

Redirection! This blog was my account of living with psychosis in the family. The next episode is my account of living with betrayal. Is betrayal a common thing? Probably? But not for me. Not in my life.  OK, I will write more soon. Until then, all you need to know is - every time I wrote about how I had anxiety?  No, I wasn't anxious. I was living with someone who was lying to me. All my worst fears were true, and what actually happened was worse than I'd imagined.

Today is the ninth day of facing, accepting and floating through my panic attacks. Though I have  reason to feel panic, panic is only of use when fight or flight are called for. As I'm usually inside a building and everything is OK except my thoughts, limp and give up is the only way to go. Just not in an uncontrolled, sad or negative way. Sensitization of my amygdala from years of increasing stress, followed by 'the bad thing' throws up and highlights information that makes me anxious, but I am not allowed to seek answers. So I've learnt second fear - fear of first fear.  For nine days I've been going limp and giving up because the argument to do so, makes sense. I can't change anything for the better by asking a question. I don't get reassurance, and I feel bullied.   For a day or two anxiety became gut-panic, a constant feeling of needing to go to the toilet. But, I just have to go limp through that feeling too. That ended. Lying in bed to s...

As I start writing this, I am recovering my sense of balance s l o w l y. There was a brown lump in close proximity to a long brown smear on the carpet between Service_user's room and the bathroom. As I observe I continue, into the bathroom to have my shower, dress, clean my teeth...keep my self together. I go down to the kitchen and describe my observation and ask, does he know how or why or what? He does not. I ask him to check his room, is there any more? No I say 'oh well, perhaps it was you, or my husband, or a cat, or a dog, or Satan himself...I will clear it up and no, I don't want to know if it is what it looks like, so no need to smell it...' He offers to clean it. I say no...I need to do this for my own peace of mind. Thinking to myself, well, I've got nothing else to do.' Since THE BAD THING happened (3rd May) I am in bits. THE BAD THING was nothing to do with Service-user, it was everything to do with my sense of identity and security, my ...