Day 9.

Today is the ninth day of facing, accepting and floating through my panic attacks. Though I have  reason to feel panic, panic is only of use when fight or flight are called for. As I'm usually inside a building and everything is OK except my thoughts, limp and give up is the only way to go. Just not in an uncontrolled, sad or negative way. Sensitization of my amygdala from years of increasing stress, followed by 'the bad thing' throws up and highlights information that makes me anxious, but I am not allowed to seek answers. So I've learnt second fear - fear of first fear. 

For nine days I've been going limp and giving up because the argument to do so, makes sense. I can't change anything for the better by asking a question. I don't get reassurance, and I feel bullied.  

For a day or two anxiety became gut-panic, a constant feeling of needing to go to the toilet. But, I just have to go limp through that feeling too. That ended. Lying in bed to sleep and my body wants to run! I also have to ignore that...This is so difficult to do.

Nine days without crashing is the longest I've managed since mid July last year.