Rings around the moon.

Feels like ages since I last wrote. I've a feeling - because I'm not checking - the last thing was my angry letter? Well, it needed to be said. Shouldn't be said in public though. But then again...  So I came here to delete. But I've deleted enough. No more. My rage, though it seemed to be what he's wanted all along, remains. So there's mourning to be got through, and my studies, and trying to remember who I was before I married him.  It's 1am because I was transferring 30 gigs of recordings to a flash drive, and watching them... Snippets and drama's from 2017 until September this year. I hated a lot of what I said and how I was. Knowing why I was so hurt and frustrated does not change that the problem underlying it all was very real, and it was hurting me... But because I made recordings I know that I didn't deal with it very well.  So, it is time to learn and to change.... Nevertheless he lied directly to me. He knew how I was twisting myself up, p...

 We met up to talk. I wanted reassurance of two things, that there would be some some communication from him and hope of repairing our relationship. The second one is the only one that matters to me.  Nevertheless.  I asked... The message I meant to give him by leaving his belongings in the porch is; a lack of communication feels bad and deprives the other of choice. He had got that. So, we agreed.  Communication, in the light of me asking him for some specific answers about money and those answers remaining unanswered. I also asked about X .is she back at school. He said 'no'... And I told him about Friday. I was in a park car park...under the trees. Not THE car park. Triggered. Flash backs to all I had gone through last year. Waiting for my friend who has the same name as X. Triggered...just a bit. I looked on my phone to distract myself and saw... A message from X's husband... I genuinely believed for several minutes that I was hallucinating! Anyway, during the me...

"So it's been one year really"? Yes...because I don't think it really ended, getting beaten up by her husband wasn't them ending it. I don't think it's really ended now... "It sounds to me as if he's done" "What do you think of me for saying that"? That it hurts.  It's what my friends say.  What do I think? I know that they are on my side.. "You have some good friends, most friends say 'yeah well never liked him, he's a bastard..." Yeah, they've got my back. Not sure what to say now, above is a bit of my dialogue with my therapist. Friends have been through this stuff before, friends have seen a lot, and my friends really do 'have my back'. But me? I'm down and out, I'm grieving, been grieving in and out for a year. the process interrupted again and again by hope, and disrupted by lies. Going round Tesco's today was an ordeal, my whole married life flashing before my eyes. Wanting to cur...

Perhaps worse is the wrong title for this post... I can see some good in this.. What happened yesterday evening shifted my world on its axis. My son told me that he had been sexually abused by some kids in our street. Bullied and made to feel that he had done wrong. He felt that he had done wrong because his need for social acceptance, contact and friendship over-rode the recognition of betrayal he was experiencing. And this is the wound I believe That dragged him down into self-hatred, self-abandoning And to parasuicide. So... Here I am again, questioning the drugs based routines of psychiatry. If he had been sectioned... In effect treated as if there is something wrong with him.... When actually the wrong is the behavior of his abusers... How would 'the self' recover from that? The message he was given: 'if you don't put this drug into your mouth, into your body. If you don't do what we tell you...' Same message as the abusers. ...