Communicate.

 We met up to talk.

I wanted reassurance of two things, that there would be some some communication from him and hope of repairing our relationship.

The second one is the only one that matters to me. 

Nevertheless. 

I asked...

The message I meant to give him by leaving his belongings in the porch is; a lack of communication feels bad and deprives the other of choice.

He had got that.

So, we agreed. 

Communication, in the light of me asking him for some specific answers about money and those answers remaining unanswered.

I also asked about X .is she back at school.

He said 'no'...

And I told him about Friday.

I was in a park car park...under the trees.

Not THE car park.

Triggered.

Flash backs to all I had gone through last year.

Waiting for my friend who has the same name as X.

Triggered...just a bit.

I looked on my phone to distract myself and saw...

A message from X's husband...

I genuinely believed for several minutes that I was hallucinating!

Anyway, during the meeting yesterday I told him about this and got the usual panic reaction. I also said that I might reply to the 'irate husband' and was told of 'I can't trust you then!'

I said actually you can.

You can trust me not to tell him where you live or to give away any information 'belonging to you'. And you can trust me to tell you the truth.

And I did in fact text her husband. I asked the question, 'is she back at work'? and found that I had been told the truth, so that's one thing.

This morning I texted my husband and told him that I'd 'communicated'.

Suddenly the phone rang and my husband was speaking to me with much screaming, shouting and rage.

That I am untrustworthy (!)

That now the husband would hurt her (?)

Followed by the usual 'I'm done, I'm never telling you anything', I'm going. 

I pointed out that he didn't know what I'd told her husband.

1/ Has she gone back to work?

2/ How is your relationship?

3/ How are you?

A pause on the other end of the line, 'How is their relationship?' 

I took great pleasure in saying, 'That is their business'. And as to killing her, he is having a happy weekend away...And you have no right to tell me not to contact him! It was you who brought this into my life and it is you who lied!

The thing that always destroys me though is the tone of voice plus the 'you can't help me, it's your fault, and I'm going away forever'. The tone of voice conveys to me that I am shit. The 'I'm going away now, nothing to be done' catches what is known in Transactional analysis as my 'gimmick'.

I want to mend, repair. So when I hear 'Nothing you can do' I can't accept that and I panic...

Yeah, 'I'm abandoning you' because you are emotional was how it started, to emotional withholding, to actually going away...hurts. And it could get worse (financial abandoning).

The tone of voice is bad, but I don't really see myself as shit.

It is that last one - it's broken, and you can't put it right. In fact YOU are responsible for breaking it!

Is what gets me every time.