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Letters from the front.

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I'm just reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. And thinking about what happened to my son that inevitably led to something psychiatrists if the past would call hysteria.  And how it was that his hysteria became psychosis. And how it is that what was once called hysteria became shell shock, when it showed up in men. Finally now, understood as a post traumatic.... Disorder? Or Response? A response that leads to disordered behaviour. Apparently if a normal, well adjusted person is subjected to severe stress and threats, it takes just 200 to 260 days before their response becomes disordered. What on earth did they do to get this information!? But, for my son to get to psychosis I am almost 100% certain that it required SSRIs..and the ceremony of degradation that is the inadvertent outcome of mental health services. I have been watching a mental health nurse's posts on Instagram. They have no idea about the impact of their language and way of understanding. But it feels as ...
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PPD...

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Post Psychosis  Diary. I'm beginning to see the aftermath. Running has protected me so far, but I can only run so far. My running was the good sort, the best sort. A run through years of training, of making connections. Getting me to where I am now. The knock at the door yesterday, the daughter of the lady who used to bring me tomatoes from her garden. As her daughter handed me the tomatoes that she grew, as her mother had grown. Handing me the bag and giving me a hug. And I suppose it all just stopped.  People see, people want to be kind because we all know how difficult things can be... I don't know what to do. This is the long and short of it.  I suspect a genetic link regarding my son's psychosis. But I'm not strong enough to face my son's father - ok, I need to ask myself what do I need to make a meeting possible...so I can cope? But.. Do I need to know the shape, dimensions of what caused a similar breakdown in my husband's sister? If I side with the old a...
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Post Psychosis diary - Stasis.

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Another mom I know went through something similar.  Except she welcomed the moment her child got a diagnosis because the school counsellor - not qualified, not BACP registered - went with everything she was told by the child, and blamed the mother. Social services were involved, and despite the teenage child attacking their parents bedroom door with the hammer, and despite this child just running out of the house into the night. Repeatedly. Despite their psychotic delusions, the child was given accommodation away from the family. When the child was found trying to sever their own hands... Things changed and the child was sectioned! So this mom was relieved, so relieved , feeling that finally she was being taken seriously -and that her child was a lot safer for the duration. Years later her child like my son both are stuck in a loop of constant takeaways and dreams that crumble and burn. Except my son can't afford takeaways because he won't claim benefits - because he can't ...
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ANS theory..

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  Visualisation. Imagine a ladder... Your home is close by. You are going out with friends later. You look at your watch - you have three hours - then you can take a shower and get ready. And you are looking forward to later, the swirl of light, friendship, food... But. There is this hole. Today there is a ladder, no idea how far down the hole goes...Who put the ladder there? Are they still down there? You kick a pebble - it doesn't seem to land. You can't hear it land.  Oh my... Commentary. The ANS, or rather the autonomic states are complex.  The three main states are:  Safety - in this visualisation: lights, friendship, food, enjoyment. Danger - the ladder goes down a long way, it might wobble a bit, is it old, breaking, what's below? And it is getting dark Life threatening danger - The bottom of the hole.... There is a LOT more going on than this, but when introducing the theory the ladder metaphor as created by Deb Dana  is perfect! Mapping the states . ~Yo...
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Equilibrium.

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 One of my favourite words! OK, let's go. Where am I? I'm below ventral vagal and above sympathetic in the zone called 'challenged' which is a pretty good place actually. Let me explain - I read a post a while ago criticising Porges polyvagal theory and so I headed off to download papers, to read blogs, to get a handle (Gendlin!) on what this criticism of a theory that actually proved incredibly helpful to me, is all about. Oh! Nothing but a storm in a tea cup actually. Gets people excited. Upsets some therapists. But fundamentally, total waste of time - the criticisms I mean. Unless you are going to do more research? And if you are a therapist the answer is probably no - since research means cutting up animals. Between clients? Seriously! It doesn't change anything if you too find that reptiles have a ventral presenting vagus nerve. Simply means that they have a ventral branch too. Perhaps they can be more sociable than the people who cut up animals believed? I per...
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HEV charged.

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Process mapping was useful. I will have more to say about it, a separate page for later. Right now? Triggered to hell. What I know is, I don't have any good associations with this stress state. This is the one in which the person feels as if they are crawling with ants, inside one's body, all across my skin. Ripples of anger that my husband simply jumped from one family to another in response to this, first time around. I don't care how bad things get, I would find the memory of just leaving my family because my son is suffering from psychosis hard to live with!  So, ok.  Here I still am. Accessing memories of playing Half Life and Doom 3. Knowing that in those chosen fear states the important thing is to have a protocol and save points.  I can understand my son's rage when I'm here, thinking of my husband and his lying. There is a magnification, intensification of pain with this stress state. Being acutely aware of other people's inability to see and to be dow...
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Process mapping next phase.

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After gathering information on what you do, and how the experience of doing, being, as you do it - gives or takes your energy and attention. The next dimension of the map is to notice which of the three autonomic nervous system states is managing, directing, your energy and attention. Ok, state one is a primal on off. This is where endogenous opiates come in. This is the place cult leaders send cult members by causing terror, paranoia and love bombing. Outcome? Disorganised attachment. Down here we have dissociation, being petrified, zoning out, bewilderment, confusion, word salad. There are a whole set of physiological effects too. Memories created under this state will not make sense. Reality is vanishing, strobing. Thinking produces weird effects. Overall there is paralysis. Curiously many people find a way to live here - this isn't good. The pathway out of state one leads through state 2. Fight, flight. A person between 1 and 2 may well use 'fawning' as an attempt to fe...
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