HEV charged.

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Process mapping was useful.


I will have more to say about it, a separate page for later.

Right now?

Triggered to hell. What I know is, I don't have any good associations with this stress state. This is the one in which the person feels as if they are crawling with ants, inside one's body, all across my skin.

Ripples of anger that my husband simply jumped from one family to another in response to this, first time around. I don't care how bad things get, the idea of just leaving is a story that will be hard to live with! So, ok. Here I still am..accessing memories of playing Half Life and Doom 3. Knowing that in those chosen fear states the important thing is to have a protocol and save points. 

I can understand my son's rage when I'm here. There is a magnification, intensification of pain. The feeling of other people's inability to see and be down here flips. It makes me feel invisible - except I don't believe it. And I've worked with enough people who are running this self erasure process to give it the finger.

But yes, a bad place. Though it makes me laugh to think of how grim my husband's present life probably is, with himself, and someone who just stood there when he was being thumped.

Anyway!

Process mapping is part of getting through this, knowing, in Half Life terms how to keep my HEV suit charged. 

And something that helps, listening to Tool, bullet journal, about to go see The Backrooms. See photo 

Oh yes, call it 'self care '. 

More realistic too.


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