Rings around the moon.

So there I was just chatting away on Zoom and suddenly two out of three books fell.  Heavily.  Off the shelf.  BANG!  Why two. Why any! If you ask me it feels...an unpleasant thing. I associate it with rage directed at me. Rage that belongs to my husband. Observation: My husband was angry with someone before -in the most passive aggressive way imaginable - that person found their car's windscreen smashed whilst they were in one city. Got the glass fixed, went to another city...their car window was once again smashed.  So much for my A level's in science and my Western upbringing.  Did I see it as 'psychic energy' at the time?  My friend certainly did. I neither believe or disbelieve.. That remains the same, but if you ask me.... I was telling someone about my WHM (Wim Hof method) experience; that this is the first time I've found a direct way to reach into the core of fear and teach it that things are good. This person has asthma, and the thought ...

Nai,Oksygono (album) by Thodoris Sbilis There is a lot to be said about the why Dionysos is not intoxicated chaos and loss of reason. And a lot to be said about why Apollo isn't 'Apollonian' science and logic. As Gods who rule over the hidden away mental hospitals and home care, Dionysos is in the first terror-ride of psychosis, until Apollo takes you down into the sepulchre of 'Section'.  No name now, you are simply 'Service User'.  Apollo places the pill upon your tongue. A Holy sacrament to Reason. And Dionysos banished! Or so people would like to believe. Apollo is a tricky god, a Lord of poisons, plague and decay.  These are his gifts to you... Lithium is toxic. Risperidone fattens you like a sacrificial beast.  You cannot run. You must not scream... My counsel? Awareness is yours alone. I've always believed, because I read too much Jung,  that gods are the closest we get to speaking a language of mind - the whole mind that is, not just the li...

Siltane by Moonlight Benjamin Well, if I dare open my eyes, and I'd rather not, the road I'm on, behind and ahead of me is called Denial Drive. Denial Drive is a long road, so far twenty-five years long.  Many people walk it to their death. For me, it has been OK. Twenty-five years of avoiding the side streets. Avoiding / failing to connect with  darkly delicious, safe, outrageous emotional overwhelm.  I assumed it would come with that ice-cream van. Sweetness and delight... The one I heard in the distance. Sure it was there, Somewhere. Just not where I was. It was always possible. I knew it was possible. Ice cream vans turn up... I was happy to continue. In return for love. For protection. Hmmm... As this is my blog and my personal opinion I will continue.  My husband had 'the dark' in him. Did he? I couldn't reach into it. It was cold, distancing, switching off,  dialing down  anxiety.  Or it was the wrong frequency. I'd say a lack of presence, like...

It seems ages since I last wrote here. And I know that my memory will be faulty... Nevertheless, this is is a hazy account of how 'things have been'.. It appeared to me that the first day after Citalopram was gone (about 7 and a half days after taking the last dose) things grew much worse. A period of worsening happened with the end of Risperdone. When that left Service User's system he became frantic - is a better way to describe it... Possessed would be the medieval diagnosis. And, as with the end of Risperdone, each subsequent day gets better than the one before Extreme behavior grows less and becomes less intense And Service User regains self control, and a sense of humor. There were a few days between the end of R and then the end of C. So I found it difficult, six days later when Citalopram 'left the building' to witness the reversal and descent back down into the constant walking, walking, walking - agitation. On the first day of Citalopr...

Can't sleep. The evening visit was awful. His gums were bleeding [he has been hurting himself, and scratching his wounds]. He was shaking. His face went into spasms. His neck, too Because he had just been given 'more medication'.. Akathisia - is an effect of the drugs. Dopamine... There isn't anything, any aspect of this part of his journey now, that is OK. Medication follows a 'diabetes' model (the theory illness is due to a too much or too little of something) without any test to show if a person needs less dopamine in their system. The degree of powerlessness I feel is immeasurable, it is abysmal - as in the deepest, blackest depths. I was so angry as I sat calmly in the hospital by his side, crushed between his madness and  the madness of 'my culture' which is dissociated and split....and is inadvertently cruel, actually. Madness is the pus from a wound, being treated as if 'the pus' is the cause.. I'm witnessing the ef...

Since the symbols a troubled brain uses to understand internal chaos lead to the person feeling that there is meaning, and ultimately a way to navigate the conflict between internal and external realities... I need to get a grip on religion... Service user symbolises his sense of threat and danger as demons. The paradox is, the demons don't affect me. I explain this to him as proof that they can be shut out. I guess he needs prayers to recite. I've also promised to search for his soul, since he feels that he is the dead-shell and his real-self is elsewhere. 9.The traumatic event changes everything, it is as if the good self died (often represented by a fellow victim of the traumatic event who did not survive). Other than that, when we saw him yesterday he was in mild panic - mild by his standards - because he fears being attacked (raped is the term he used) when he is moved to the psychiatric hospital. As he has a fractured pelvis and can't run...and as he ha...

I need boundaries.. Because the fear and anxiety Service User is operating within, hijacks my thought processes. I find myself thinking about nothing else. Especially when he starts talking about how he wishes he could just end his life... More about that latter. So I will set a time limit of 25 minutes and use this blog as a place to help me to order my thoughts. Open ended rambling or rumination is pointless. So when he talks about suicide, what do I really think? He should be sectioned - This opens up more problems - he would need to section himself! It is a form of challenging behavior - though I'm good at letting it pass over me and through me (Dune reference) I'm getting hurt. He talks about it because the change he needs to make in himself is so great that it feels as if it requires death - death of the harming self.  It is the ultimate self-punishment, the logical conclusion. Ultimate self recrimination. He needs help..can a harming self be neutra...

After the visit of the Mindfulness lady During which Service User said 'things he shouldn't have said'? And Service User's agitation at the thought of being hospitalized. He realised that if he began to take the SSIs he may avoid being taken in... Even so When it came to it He was convinced that the tablet would kill him... But then, if he was in hospital, he would be given the same drug and more... So he took the tablet. I felt bleak and full of despair. The vision of him taking the tablet was like watching someone practice suicide. I mean, if I had a pill that I thought would kill me as surely as cyanide and I was able to put it into my mouth and swallow it. Too much like a rehearsal. The next night the fear of the hospital wasn't so great. The equation didn't balance for him... The way the first tablet had not killed him didn't really figure in his thinking. He didn't really care either way. Except he didn't want to ta...