Opener of the way...

Well, if I dare open my eyes, and I'd rather not, the road I'm on, behind and ahead of me is called Denial Drive.

Denial Drive is a long road, so far twenty-five years long. 

Many people walk it to their death.

For me, it has been OK.

Twenty-five years of avoiding the side streets.

Avoiding / failing to connect with  darkly delicious, safe, outrageous emotional overwhelm. 

I assumed it would come with that ice-cream van.

Sweetness and delight...

The one I heard in the distance.

Sure it was there,

Somewhere.

Just not where I was.

It was always possible.

I knew it was possible.

Ice cream vans turn up...

I was happy to continue.

In return for love.

For protection.

Hmmm...

As this is my blog and my personal opinion I will continue. 

My husband had 'the dark' in him.

Did he?

I couldn't reach into it.

It was cold, distancing, switching off, dialing down anxiety. 

Or it was the wrong frequency.

I'd say a lack of presence, like he would disappear.

Out of sync.

But more than that.

I never fathomed it.

What evoked it?

Well, to be honest, me (because I'm all powerful!)

Or just that he'd never been taught relational depth.

Or it's me!

That his empathy was nervous.

Not curious.

Not vicarious.

And me

Mrs pour more petrol onto the flames.

Fearless of the explode.

Seeking chaos-drive.

BPM 1 ~ Link. 

Interesting that my primal feelings erupting with the truth...

I felt poisoned and plenty of vomiting. 

Infidelity is hard to stomach.

So, did he find that chaos drive, the fearless deep in the back of his Golf?

Who knows.

It would be so funny to ask him.

This is the me he most dislikes, the one who isn't good.

In his view

In my view?

The fact I can think about it without having to be sick is good...

And yeah..

That road to my right?

Oh god, bloody hell...

Martyr Street.

I know it.

Me. Mrs Try-Harder, 2%.

I've been walking up and down that one for about a year, mistaking several cul-de-sacs for the way back to the main road.

But 

There is another road, on my left...

Ah now that is a sweet, sweet way to go.

Limerence Lane.

OK, I dare to..

I open my eyes.

Hey, this isn't Denial Drive anymore.

Squinting, let me see...

Oh!

Oh, I'm 

Actually 

On...

Limerence Lane!

The River of Dreams and mazes and..

And I have been invited to walk through..

So Papa Legba - Gibson's Count Zero calls him Lord of the Roads. I know of Him as Opener of the Gates so...

So...I am saying that he actually turned up for me few days ago when I heard that track by Moonlight Benjamin...?

Wow.

OK.