PPD...

-

Post

Psychosis 

Diary.

I'm beginning to see the aftermath. Running has protected me so far, but I can only run so far. My running was the good sort, the best sort. A run through years of training, of making connections. Getting me to where I am now.

The knock in the door yesterday, the daughter of the lady who used to bring me tomatoes from her garden. As her daughter handed me the tomatoes that she grew, as her mother had grown. Handing me the bag and giving me a hug.

And I suppose it all just stopped. 

People see, people want to be kind because we all know how difficult things can be...

I don't know what to do.

This is the long and short of it. 

I suspect a genetic link regarding my son's psychosis. But I'm not strong enough to face my son's father - ok, I need to ask myself what do I need to make a meeting possible...so I can cope?

But..

Do I need to know the shape, dimensions of what caused a similar breakdown in his sister?

If I side with the old adage of knowledge as power, the answer is yes!

What else? I'm scared of the potential for smashing and smearing to start up again. When my son's internal and habitual self attack demands that I understand how bad he feels, and feel just as bad.

Yup. I think it works that way. Simply my observation.

This aspect of internal pain and distress always leaves me cold. Because I remember when I was in labour ( giving birth!) how alone I felt because no one could understand how much pain I was in or take the pain away.

But.

I also knew that no matter how much they understood it .. I'd still be in it! The help probably would have consequences. And that felt isolating, lonely. And my flash of protective anger made me seek my own power and strength. Because I trust myself, because I'd forged a tool kit of mental hacks, because I never expect anyone to save me!

Because I can.

I'm so grateful when I have been saved through - ok. 

What am I saying?

PPD - how to get the people so undermined by psychosis, by the narratives surrounding psychosis and knowledge of how bad psychosis can be...

How to get my son out of his self imposed solitary confinement...

I'm part of his world, therefore I'm a part of what is maintaining the problem.

At the moment his money is dwindling and the result is mostly anger at his dad. Flashes of self harm and the anxious paralysis known as procrastination...

I'd thought of giving up the work I do twice a week. But, the prospect of being talked at more I am now, made me think again...

I need a plan that fits us both and his commitment. As always I feel totally at sea and unprepared.

First step when I work with clients who I feel stuck about, I write a letter that may even be given to them. The letter in which I name the problems they have overcome, their qualities and my hopes for them...

Would this be how I start unraveling the tangled thread?


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

-
The Unattractive Portable Head by Daughters Many things to say. First thing: I wish I could remember when I first heard this song. I felt like it was telling me something. But I didn't recognize myself in it. I identified with the sound of it , the energy, the rage. Not the lyrics. This song... I hear it now as.. Writing on the wall. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree... The configuration of self I called 'Last year's man' is either at the end of a continuum, or is the real person.  Last year's man is his father's son. Yesterday I almost cracked.  I wanted to take everything that is his back. Put it in the car, go round at about 3:30 am when he would be asleep. Leave it outside, behind some bushes... I decided this impulse comes from the part of me addicted to pain. He would hear me, see me. Why am I thinking of this! So So, I let the impulse to remove all trace of his family from my house run only as far as putting some things into a box.  Then I r...
Read more

Alliance.

-
Image
My daughter asked the hospital to send her a 'welcome pack'. I haven't seen it yet, she explained what it contained over the phone. To be honest it didn't seem to say very much. And one particular word used in the pack caught my attention. Alliance... Alliance is a noble aspiration, and something a set of people dedicated to caring for others shouldn't have too much difficulty in creating. So what went wrong? First thing, the psychiatrist we saw when we attended via the A+E drop-in, looked like a man who had been outside standing in the rain without a hat or umbrella for too long. That is how I summed him up at the time. This was our first experience of 'how a psychiatrist talks' to a 'patient'. Perhaps I categorized him as bored, annoyed, had enough...because of the way he spoke? It must have contributed? Anyway, a psychiatrist asks a person about recent events. The psychiatrist is interested in factual content. He is open to you...
Read more

Ash...

-
Staying with Alien meta-story, the the way I feel right now is closer to encountering Ash than having blown the destructive, dangerous horror out of my life. I feel like I've been struggling, without believing that I was in danger. But now I see. That final lie was just too much. Why Ash? Ash was a synthetic human. My husband followed his family's programming...   So my husband's 'prime objective' was pretty much the same as Ash's on the Nostromo. To maintain the 'intrusion' of the xenomorph, through secrecy and then...attempting to destroy the person who suspects the truth. People don't matter. With the xenomorph on Nostromo the crew would suffer. Likewise the happiness and wellbeing of the partners, the family don't matter. The crew do have a function, they are incubation pods for the host. Yes, what has happened to me and our family is that ugly. Incubation pods. We provided him with a compelling and powerful victim narrative.  The monster gr...
Read more