1 am.

Feels like ages since I last wrote. I've a feeling - because I'm not checking - the last thing was my angry letter?

Well, it needed to be said. Shouldn't be said in public though. But then again... 

So I came here to delete. But I've deleted enough. No more. My rage, though it seemed to be what he's wanted all along, remains.

So there's mourning to be got through, and my studies, and trying to remember who I was before I married him. 

It's 1am because I was transferring 30 gigs of recordings to a flash drive, and watching them... Snippets and drama's from 2017 until September this year.

I hated a lot of what I said and how I was. Knowing why I was so hurt and frustrated does not change that the problem underlying it all was very real, and it was hurting me... But because I made recordings I know that I didn't deal with it very well. 

So, it is time to learn and to change....

Nevertheless he lied directly to me. He knew how I was twisting myself up, psychologically, and he did nothing except push more buttons to make me believe it was  all my imagination, hoping I'd just stop... But also using my emotional reaction as his excuse.

I don't see forgetting that as a part of healing...