A trying day.

We took ex-Service User to the hospital for his check-up X rays.

Being positive here, I can honestly say that his capacity to sit in the waiting rooms is so much better than it was.

Just a couple of forays into the subject uppermost in his mind -about being a psychopath, having committed lots of crimes and how he will be tortured forever - headed off at the pass by feeding him nuts....,

He left with a discharge - sometimes that is a good word - so he is healed sufficiently, his fractured bones are mending. We headed into town for a celebratory meal...only it didn't feel that way, because within minutes of the orders being taken, ex-Service User is beginning the panic monologue again. I had been revising Solutions Focused technique, a central tenant of which is: who cares about reality (don't get caught up in he content) just look for stuff that works! So I was fairly centered and able not to get caught up in the mad spinning, but on the other hand, having to speak slowly and calmly to someone panicking whilst trying to eat (what happened to enjoy?) was hard work. It was something a person would need to be paid to do, as compensation for the indigestion...But I let that go, shoving it all into my mental folder optimistically labelled *it will get better*

There is, gentle reader as I'm sure you have considered, a whole swath of darker stuff I do not write about. I don't write it because writing increases the clarity of my thoughts, and I don't want to think this way. But every so often I'm compelled to take a look at the nightmare.

The first question to myself is, how much do I feel at risk of being attacked by ex-Service User?

 Answer, my unconscious mind considers him a threat, I can feel very uncomfortable some times. Unfortunately I don't keep records very well and can't say if the discomfort is increasing or decreasing. I do know I wouldn't feel better if he took medication - I would feel worse actually - because the medication made him more dissociated from his feelings and didn't stop his churning thoughts. The only way out is for him to gain control of himself and deal with the bad stuff he experienced. It seems Princess K was into watching YouTubes of people dying. I believe him when he says that he didn't want to watch...But my unconscious is constantly ringing the alarm bell.

Back home after the meal out.

Going back to the hospital brings back so many unresolved feelings. Plus I had and still have indigestion and felt distinctly uneasy...

Ex-Service User went to his room and all was quiet.

Mid afternoon husband got the heebie jeebies and went to to offer him a cup of tea. 

He seemed fine.

When he came down, just sitting at the table, he showed us his arm.

He had bitten into it....

I just fell into absolute horror.

He hadn't been crying, no sounds of rage or distress.

Just a silent, cruel infliction of pain on himself...
And on us...

I went from horror and through tears, eventually anger gave me a voice. 

My anger  says that when he had run at the bus, he had done it to kill 'my son', that the cruel, unresponsive person sitting here had  bitten into 'my child'.

As usual he doesn't show any reaction to our feelings.

Several hours latter -now - nothing has changed significantly.

I need to keep better records for sure.

Husband is doing breathing excercises with him...

What choice do we have?

Psychiatric treatment is just sedation, with the added mess up of the effects the medication had on him the first time. It isn't treatment and it didn't help us in any way...Having him 'put away' seems a natural consequence of talking about being a psychopath, torture and giving off negative feelings....But we have seen what that means, and he would come back worse than he is now. He would have something to really be angry about.

This leaves us with the Simon George framework to deal with the anti-social aspects of his behavior, and insisting that he takes control of his own mental health.

As the previous article points out, families with a member who refuses to get help or do any work end up feeling helpless, in despair and full of resentment as they watch their grown child turn his or herself into and invalid. Our only hope is that he realises that he has to negotiate....in the end.

So I'm not sure about how to evaluate my reaction to his bitten arm. It was appropriate, and truthful - but a part of his motivation is to increase hurt...to all. So when he sees that he hurts me, that must be a win.

Nevertheless, to just sit by impassive is to be as he is.
It is a wrong reaction.
It is like Princess K watching people die....as if that is OK!