Planning a Living-Funeral

Tomorrow is my son's 'living funeral'. It occurred to him that he has a right to attend his own wake - being as he carried out his intent to die - he did not mean to survive, and yet here he is.

He feels there should be some celebration. The funeral of the person who wanted to die, perhaps...

So I'm at the computer to craft a ceremony, and I'm feeling a mix of dread and happiness..It has been an awful year, truly appalling. If tomorrow marks the end of it, that will be very good indeed.

As I write this I am reminded that reality is made rather than found. If I can put enough of this intent, to close the book and bury the panic, terror, sadness, grief, rage and seemingly endless frustration through this living-funeral, that will be some feat!

There will be cake, Service-User's request was a Red Velvet Cake, and I made that yesterday. It isn't red though, despite following the instructions and using the recommended food colouring. It will be decorated with cherries and rose petals tomorrow morning.

Also, we will be singing the Lyke Wake Dirge...full version.
I've just printed out the lyrics'



As I write this I'm wondering how far to go, do I call the four corners, I need to write some kind of eulogy I guess.

This isn't easy. Altogether it adds up to be an unsettling and a really strange experience.

My eulogy for Josh:

Welcome to this living funeral

We have come together to celebrate the life of Josh, a life that began almost exactly 24 years ago. Josh did not belong to any religious institution or movement, and consequently this ceremony does not follow any established tradition. 

Today is time for us to remember Josh, to share our feelings and to be alive! 

My son was the kindest and gentlest and most compassionate person, rich in wisdom beyond his years. Always quick to show empathy, unfailingly brave in seeking the right words to help others feeling stuck or at a loss. 

As a small child Josh would jump from too many stairs up, flinging his arms and legs out in a star, trusting always that someone or something would catch him, and I am grateful that even in his darkest hour something or someone has never let him go.

Josh was born a smith, he forged his creative spirit through much hard work into a talent for weaving words, and ink into image. But music, combining art with acting became his greatest love.

The first gig Josh attended was to see The Fall and the second gig was Nine Inch Nails, and as he grew he sought to take his rightful place in this world on a stage. 

Josh and his good friend Harry spent hours working together on songs together, spending many long cold Sunday evenings in the hallway of our house, later to be joined by Jim and Hannah, painstakingly, crafting jagged shards of memory and experience into their band's haunted music, full of strange resonance, earning the band their place in the history of B Town.

Soon Josh's talent for words combined with his considerable ability to draw earned him a place at Camberwell studying fine art, where he combined idea and image into a Graphic book, a dystopian work called Pilot.

In April 2018, when Josh came back from London he was as white as a ghost and very close to death....

But today, Josh has shed his former life, like a glove taken off and thrown away...

Now we will sing the Lyke Wake Dirge, and Simon will lead Amitabha prayers.

thank you.