A moment when the gates between worlds opened...

Ok, well this song was one of those moments...

Husband and I were in the car. He had a whole load of CDs from charity shops. I pushed one into the player and it was this track. Possibly it was his reaction. I felt uncomfortable. I had a very clear image...

It wasn't that I knew (that he'd been having sex with a co-worker in the car) it was that my unconscious knew. Whilst my conscious mind had no option other than to let everything fall into a greasy broken, mud pool, cold slime feeling.

I can't describe that feeling of I don't know.

It was a fog.

Like being blind.

It must be denial, but when I asked to know, he told me I was wrong.

That sense of relief when ever he said it was over and that he loved me. 

I didn't think that he was lying.

But it didn't go away..

That greasy broken, mud pool, cold slime feeling.

The trouble is, I think that listening to the twilight language of synchronicity is how 'mad' people think and perceive. And churning up things to worry and fret over can appear to be an addiction, a 'need' to amplify subtle clues to get another hit of adrenaline. In this moment of synching my mind put the song and his reaction together in a flash of recognition. It was like being hit with a bolt of lightning. But I couldn't say "Hey know what, I think you and she..." 

Is that where my adrenaline hit came from - from denial?

What stopped me saying it?

That he would have laughed at me - best case - or spoken to me with disgust in his voice that I could say that. 

It would hurt. 

Both of those would hurt.

Yet now I feel now that I colluded with him. That in that flash, I was told everything I needed to know and I didn't want to know. Like the times he said "No, honestly you don't want to know" and I'd close up, feeling as if I was being drenched in acid. Knowing that he would say the most hurtful things to me, that this was bullying.

I feel stupid, as I write this.

So I wish I could tell you how you can distinguish between 'addiction' or getting clues (through meta-events)  about something tangential,  happening in an external reality. I guess sanity is to do as Claire Weekes suggested; accept and float, until you know - one way or the other.

The awful part is, without finding out the truth I could have spent spent a lifetime feeling anxious because something felt off in my world, always thinking that I was wrong.

I also have the feeling that responding in the wrong way to those synchronicity cues can be catastrophic. I think this is what my husband did. I know I've done it. But there came a point when I learnt to read between the lines and state what I see...without judgment.

Then each instance is a gift.

Synchronicity isn't what I wanted, but it told me something about what I needed.

And so after all of this, I am staying with my conviction that the car told me! 

As if the universe respected my need for truth.

What does this say about the true nature of reality and perception?

Am I just weaving this story out of fragments of memory to create a narrative that tells me the world is on my side, because that's my habitual way of seeing things, or does a person who sincerely asks for the truth, hear it - from random events?

Wish I knew...

BOOKS.

Books such as these will help get you through, but take care, treat anxiety with respect, it may well be a right reaction to a truth you cannot yet see. 

Self attack (as any good psychodynamic therapist will tell you) is a defense against awareness...which is why gaslighting is such a horrible thing to do to someone. A gaslighter consciously choses to cause a 'loved one' to destroy his or her self...because the victim is so disabled by pain, their intake of knowledge and information is nothing but a garbled mess.

When told by the gaslighter that 'the fear and sense of wrongness' is just in their heads, what is left to hold onto?

Leaving plenty of room for the gaslighter to just continue, unchallenged.

• Anxiety makes patients believe that feeling anxious is the same as being in danger. The goal is to erase the association between feeling anxious and being unsafe. They are not the same. Seif, Martin N.. What Every Therapist Needs to Know About Anxiety Disorders: Key Concepts, Insights, and Interventions.

• “Look at all you’ve done,” he tells himself. “This is the reality you have to grab onto. You have to stop this thought right now. You must. If you don’t stop this, it will take over—and then what?” Domingo knows that if he gives in to the compulsion or the thought, it will keep going around and around in his brain, sapping his energy and wasting his time. He calls this “brain loop.” Schwartz, Jeffrey M.. Brain Lock. 

• There is nothing more soul-searing than trying to follow blindly a pattern not acceptable to one’s heart. So do not persevere with a solution which you feel, deep within yourself, is not the right one. Weekes, Dr. Claire. Self-Help for Your Nerves: Learn to relax and enjoy life again by overcoming stress and fear.