2%

You may have got that I'm not accepting it?

It is an integrity thing. 

And my rational mind says it isn't 2% it is more like 0.2 %.

Even so I'm not accepting that our marriage is over. 

I know what he did, I know what he has said. I do believe that he wants a relationship with her. Even if he doesn't, I believe he doesn't want to be with me. I do feel as if I'm riven through with rusty swords, several of which he actively chose to stab me with.

I have to crawl my way out of this, seeking help from those who will stand by me.

The many, many strong and good people who will help.

This is sanity?

Yes, because I'm looking at my inner mirror, seeking to become the person I prefer myself to be.

Looking at things in the context of life and death.

And the sacred.

I should have done this from the first, heaven knows I've been told this by the best teachers, I knelt before Ato Rinpoche and took Bodhisattva vow. And my knowledge was swept away in a hope and fear tsunami.

So important, a vow can always be mended (in the Tibetan system).

The word is integrity.

I want to be she who can get past what's happened.

How to do this?

All those memories that don't want to be defragged because of their emotional impact are primed to remain present and untouchable. My mind seeks ways to escape from them before they are actually seen and are allowed to do their worst. In this way they maintain.. 

Catastrophic thinking and intrusive thoughts turn up screaming like banshees, they disable and hollow me out, agony isn't too strong a word.But I now see even so much as imagining smashing them with imaginary rocks, is avoiding.

Yesterday was a really bad day.

I was absolutely broken. 

I'd chosen not to send him a text, or communication of any kind. To not even write my thoughts down, because by so doing I will suddenly know the killer argument.

Then I'd send a text and experience that gap between sending and reply...full of adrenaline.

My text would have said something positive, loving, good. 

Something that says, I love you. In the perfect, heart melting way.

I decided no. 

Why?

I have not found the words.

It isn't going to be words. 

It isn't in my power, I can't make him love me.

Try harder wont work.

The only thing I can do is to be a better version of me.

She who can accept and no longer be disabled by however it is.

I set a boundary for my own protection.

To stop myself wriggling to get out of the pain.

A real boundary prevents harm. 

It will always be about physical action.

I knew that sending him a text would have caused me to feel hope and fear.

What I wanted was another fix.

So I rode the pain, and it was bad.

I didn't act.

Detox seems right.

Integrity will be made through personal boundaries such as these.

No matter how exhausting and painful the path.

I chose to  radiate strength and sanity for my own sake.

And in this way I am accepting a 0.2% chance too.

Perhaps because of yesterday I have more clarity and much less pain and sadness. I am far more able to step away from the thoughts that open up pain today, so perhaps this is the right way to go?

We will see...