Email to husband.

I sent him this recording. It was made two months before I found out that he was still seeing X.

Last week I found out that he had lied to me again, during the week when he appeared to be open and truthful, and promising to work with me to repair.

I've been angry all week, angry enough to finally write the BIOTAL (blow it out the airlock) email.

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Dear husband,

In this recording I hear my great courage in seeking to find the truth, I also hear how I'm trying so hard not to annoy you. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice, that at any minute I will say 'the wrong thing' and then you will threaten to walk out specifically because you have seen how much this will hurt me.

When I listen to the recordings I hear your irresponsibility and cruelty. Because you were aware each time that you got into the car with x (her), that your actions would inevitably cause great pain and damage to your family. The way you did this, your lack of foresight and consideration, has shown me that you are an irresponsible man, untrustworthy, a liar.

I feel ashamed of you.

I am disgusted actually.

But it isn't your desire for sex with someone else that causes this, it is the way you behaved towards me and spoke to me, your tone of voice as you speak to me.

My error at the beginning of our relationship was to misunderstand your appearance of stability; it is not what it appears to be. Your ‘stability’ is no such thing, only an event horizon. And beyond fake ‘stability’ is a crushing, cold stasis and ultimate gravity.

And from this place you attempted to tear me psychically, limb from limb.

Regardless, I think it is fair that you have a chance to understand why I am saying this, through hearing our dialogue.

Part of transcript...

April 4th 2020 - 2 months before the truth came out.

YOU: so you are insecure and you want to know stuff and I don't want to play that game. I'm not doing it. It's just how it is. there's nothing to be said.

ME: there is no how it is

YOU: yeah there is, this is how it is

ME: so a world of lies and...

YOU: What do you mean by a world of lies? what lies!

ME: well that's the...I don't even know...

YOU: what lies!

ME: I don't even know

YOU: what do you mean you don't even know!

ME: I don't know anything

YOU: Don't know anything about what!

ME: I don't know anything

YOU: I don't actually know what you are talking about now! what do you mean!

ME: I don't know what's true, what's false, what's real what isn't. I can't...

The only time I hear authenticity in your tone of voice, is in your agitation when I say 'I'm living in a world of lies'.

Another part of the dialogue that stands out for me is when you say:

YOU: 'My feelings are what they are. how do I know! what makes you think I know! What makes you think I know? It's all secretly written down and I'm keeping it from you? I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. I told you that. I still am. what makes you think it is any different! ' 

' I'm keeping it from you? ...Just putting one foot in front of the other'  Actually you named my fear; I didn't think it was any different. I did believe that you were having sex with her, that is why I was in so much pain and having nightmares. I just didn't want to believe that you are as sleazy as my instincts told me. 

Who wants to believe that their beloved friend is like that!

Of course, there are many more recordings if you wish to listen? 

Many more incidents of you lying, pretending that you didn't recognise why I was in despair, many recordings that explain in retrospect why I was riven with anxiety and trying so hard not to panic all the time.

Reality became fog, the ground vanished, all landmarks were gone.

The sound file is a levelling.

Y (her husband), feels like I did, but he doesn't have a kindly counsellor to hold him together, or friends he can be honest with when the pain gets too much. He thinks he is being loyal by keeping quiet, or perhaps he feels that it isn't real if he doesn't say it? I imagine he is also experiencing a toxic sense of shame that his wife cuckolded him.

And add to that a whole extra heap of anger and sadness to contend with, because you actually violated his home. You had no problem in going round to his house - with his children sleeping....

Whether you had done it before or not I don't know.

I know that you did do it, and that's enough.

You were prepared to go into their home..

So no way do I believe you.

In light of the latest lie about not seeing X again (training day) I wonder why I 'protected' you by reassuring Y that this had not happened before?

Your actions were despicable and your selfish choices shattered his life.

As you shattered mine.

Worse than an alcoholic, you just can't stop yourself.

In light of that last lie I take back all my words of regard, respect and love for you.

They were given because I am a loyal and beautiful friend.

And even in the kitchen of of their house, I was your friend.

But you?

You are no friend

You are no enemy

You are no longer my next of kin.

You are a person whose word means nothing, your 'good word' is meaningless noise.

You have proved yourself to be without honesty.

You are untrustworthy, insubstantial, a cliché; the teacher who screws teaching assistants in the back of his car.

Superficial and narcissistic is how I think of you.

As I write I am overwhelmed by the level of your deceit and repelled by what you did. Not by the sex, but by the callous tone that poisons each word you say to me.

Quite honestly I cannot feel any concern about, or for you. 

If you ever care enough to at least enable me to overcome my utmost revulsion towards you and in any way communicate cooperatively with you in the future, I need to see evidence of the kindness and pride you used to feel towards yourself, towards me and for our precious family, for this is what is needed. 

I hold no hope that you will be able or willing to do this.