Collapse.

Yesterday I couldn't bear to be here for the doctor's visit.
I was expecting to return to hear that we would be taking Service User into the hospital, and I could bear it.

So I was in college.
In theory, this is a safe space where I could be honest.
In reality I covered it all up
Though I told one or two of my friends what was really going on for me.

When the tutor asked us one by one ' Quick, what is your greatest fear?'
I just said 'maths' and pulled a face.

Further round the class, others said, 'loosing their children'

I thought then, how good I am at pulling down the blast shutters and keeping the explosions inside myself...

At dinner time I returned home.
The doctor was pleased with Service User.
The Mindfulness lady will continue to visit.
"Could Service User take his Citalopram in the morning because it would be more effective?"
And
"If Service User continues to take his meds, he can have a CT scan..."

I could almost hear the doctor chucking to himself about how putting the fear about hospital into a Service User, can make such an improvement in his behavior...

And I get it.
I really do!
If I was the doctor I would feel so frustrated that my patient wasn't helping himself...

But the truth is, we (my husband and I) are getting caught up in this.
It is real for us..
You have implied that you could take our son away.

This has been the worst thing I've faced so far, worse than any of Service User's distress (because we could talk to him, we don't feel powerless) worse than dealing with his flat, his degree, worse than the miserable face of the receptionist at the GPs that makes me feel that I should apologize for breathing.

From Friday last week until yesterday dinner time I was facing having my son taken away to a place he didn't want to go, to be made to take medication he thought would kill him.

All we could do was shout at him to take the pill.
Now it looks to me as if we had been caught up in a game almost...

And this morning I was still in it.
I made breakfast, gave Service User his pill.
Watched as he slyly pretended to take it
And put it in his pocket...

At which point I cracked
I completely lost my temper and yelled at him.
Then came here to write.

Yesterday was too much
It is the feeling of dishonesty, or games that gets me.

Service User is mentally ill.
He is in a different reality
His lying isn't culpable...

But the doctor isn't truthful (his dishonesty albeit in a very subtle way) and this makes me feel as if I've been used.

It started with the charade about bringing a medical doctor to see Service User.
But the man with a stethoscope didn't examine Service User or even speak to him...

Now the charade about being taken into hospital...

I see that last week, when I asked questions and recieved an answer which was just...
'Get him to take the pills'
Is as dehumanizing as it felt.