Into the dark.

Bear in mind - last week before the visit of the mental health team, Service user was screaming.
This week before they arrived Service User just crept out of the house and my husband had to go looking for him.
He doesn't switch his phone on
In case the 'Mindfulness lady' gets in touch.
So...a knock on the door and...
Mindfulness lady plus another.

I got to talk to them a bit
I assume after my complaint that no one from the mental health team asks us how we feel about anything?

So I was asked;
'How would you feel about your son being sectioned'?

Well..
Let me see...

I went for empathy.
I can see why you would feel concerned...
I played the CBT card,
His environment has changed and I can see improvements now
...now he has been talking his SSI meds...would they be responsible for his improvement?

ah, not yet.
Perhaps being here is helping...

But you know what.
After Tuesday holding it together
Wednesday and descent into anger
Thursday a clarity of resolve...
Today was good until...

After Mindfulness lady left, Service User was pacing again
Agitated
Full of should of and could of...
We were back to square one.

I spent all afternoon talking him down...

And as I shared out the potatoes to the waiting plates
Evening meal...
I just broke down

This is - I'm beginning to recognize it - a discharge of anxiety through my autonomic nervous system
I felt sick
My insides were in cramp
I could hardly breath...

And it isn't even me that is under threat.

There is something
Something too well meaning
Something too depressing about their fixation.
Drugs as the only way...
No consideration as the the effect of threatening to force someone to take drugs?!
Oh the irony...

I ate my tea, took my leave, lit candles and sat in the bathroom just letting myself soak in the peace and darkness before getting into the bath.

Nevertheless, despite it all.
I know what I think
And I know what I believe.
And I am empowered to make the choice.