Rings around the moon.

I sent him this recording. It was made two months before I found out that he was still seeing X. Last week I found out that he had lied to me again, during the week when he appeared to be open and truthful, and promising to work with me to repair. I've been angry all week, angry enough to finally write the BIOTAL (blow it out the airlock) email. Here it is. --- Dear husband, In this recording I hear my great courage in seeking to find the truth, I also hear how I'm trying so hard not to annoy you. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice, that at any minute I will say 'the wrong thing' and then you will threaten to walk out specifically because you have seen how much this will hurt me. When I listen to the recordings I hear your irresponsibility and cruelty. Because you were aware each time that you got into the car with x (her), that your actions would inevitably cause great pain and damage to your family. The way you did this, your lack of foresight and consideration, ...

Why should I be surprised? A detail came out of my conversation with 'the terrible husband' (the 'other woman's' partner).  I phoned my husband and asked him a question about it and. He just lies... Still lying.

 We met up to talk. I wanted reassurance of two things, that there would be some some communication from him and hope of repairing our relationship. The second one is the only one that matters to me.  Nevertheless.  I asked... The message I meant to give him by leaving his belongings in the porch is; a lack of communication feels bad and deprives the other of choice. He had got that. So, we agreed.  Communication, in the light of me asking him for some specific answers about money and those answers remaining unanswered. I also asked about X .is she back at school. He said 'no'... And I told him about Friday. I was in a park car park...under the trees. Not THE car park. Triggered. Flash backs to all I had gone through last year. Waiting for my friend who has the same name as X. Triggered...just a bit. I looked on my phone to distract myself and saw... A message from X's husband... I genuinely believed for several minutes that I was hallucinating! Anyway, during the me...

Her husband is terrible.  Well, my husband thinks so. I didn't think so. Sure, he had a head full of thoughts spinning like bees. This afternoon in my car Under the trees In my car I was Fully triggered In full nightmare flash-back mode. A park. Not 'The' park. Park enough. Waiting for my friend, who has the same name as 'the other woman' I looked at my phone Her 'Terrible' husband had left a trail through Messenger that I had not picked up...because I didn't have Messenger on my phone until today. And thus I learned that she hasn't gone back to work. None of my business. Nevertheless I'm so glad...

The Alien level. Otherwise known as "Pass me my Quake 3 rocket launcher...oh...no....this is real life!"  The 'blast it out [of] the air-lock' BIO-TAL mode is activated by the appraisal of an 'intrusion' as an unprecedented threat that has the potential to overwhelm and assimilate. Other than the plain, unadulterated facts so far, this BIO-TAL was upgraded to immediate action required [IAR] by a statement captured on a recording, that indicated something else had happened before...The statement was a sentence he began to say more about - whilst emotionally inflamed by irritation and anger - and then he stopped himself, just at the glittering edge of reality. Reality? We don't want to go there do we... To that end I put all his whiskey bottles, shirts and family (his parents and sister photos) into bags and left them in the porch at his dad's house. I did not send a text.  Perception management doesn't come naturally to me, but I have access to hi...

Start with awareness. Go to, re-framing. This adds words. With an emotional resonance between word and idea 'Handles' enable a shifting to take place. It's got to have that emotional resonance though... So I'm in the TA layer of my mind.  Enjoying the view. The Parent, Adult, Child metaphors. It provides the best way to analyze dialogue, to hear where things go wrong..The antidote is for me to understand how my 'adult' self can best create a dialogue between two frightened children, or not! Meanwhile, in the upper world of heat, light and sound, I've said no to a relationship with someone who is probably an alcoholic and of uncertain marital status. I've said no to someone who wanted me to dog sit (I couldn't face the dog food, no really!) and I've said no to providing a cover story for a person who wishes to 'stop her parents worrying' or in other words, she would like me to deceive them. Yes, she is an adult. Inevitably it is easier for...

Lock down version 1.0 is coming back.  My area has been 'put on the naughty stool' for spreading Corona virus too far and to wide. The only thing I believe is Being sensible helps. Facts would help.. But they are in short supply. Looks like everywhere runs on fantasy in denial! Basically. Me and Corona? I cannot find any part of me scared of catching it.  If I caught it. There is the legal requirement to retreat for two weeks. Which becomes the problem of getting Tesco delivery slots.  This isn't fear. And having stuff delivered without plastic bags, and having to unpack the boxes into the hall...and then sort it all out...whilst coughing my guts up and feeling like I want to die! There is no sensation of fear. To be honest I'm not keen on becoming so ill that I actually do die.  And you can still get plastic bags.. Where is my anxiety? Sorry, I'm not and never really have been an anxious person. I've had anxiety induced in me because my body told me one thing, ...

Bowing Not Knowing To What by It's Not Night: It's Space I've done the best I could do. Now it is time to Remember. Lies and unkindness. I Allow image to solidify Sound and feeling... Reveal the template Noble, normal and Nothing more than An endless game of Happy families. Almost 10,000 days. His horizon bound and blocked by imaginary walls. As Children grow away Plenty more - where he works... As I grow old. A younger wife - where he works. No shame or guilt In the back of his car After work She's wearing the underwear her husband has bought her.. Fantasy in denial. Did all in his power To hurt me enough As if I'd rise to the bait. Almost I am feeling the earth, the air. Fire fading drowning in tears Dying in this pain. Refusing and staying... Later that night her phone Hidden between her legs. Her husband finds it and reads their conversation.. Sends the text from that phone "Come round, he is away, door's on the latch" And he In joy! Set off To pay...

CARCOSA: Live at the Malthouse by Cegvera I get that... From other people's blogs. Like there is a spiritual message within suffering. No. Getting to movement. Smashing the frozen Is all the matters Let it be rage. Or  Let it be story-telling.  So, Cegvera My sanctuary within a bitter sea of tears. Replay memory. Through the black light of his resentment. Like oil on water, colours shimmer... I find beauty. In the pub we were served by someone who looked like a younger version of our son. Fear Inoculum on the juke box I was temped to select a track... Tool are too big This place was empty and small. An Irish pub, few people sitting around... Downstairs. Into the tiny room... When Cegvera came on Old habits die hard I went to the front. The drummer reminded me of my other son... But it wasn't that. There is a warmth somehow. Then I felt and noticed. My husband was not with me Coldness and a sense of daggers  He sat at the back Blamed me 'It was too soon' he said. Don...

Narcissist. Hmm? The only difference between a narcissist and the rest of us who think we are...is a belief. The avoidant person believes:  It has to be His way Implacable solid. Delusion projected upon Ultimate gravity. I mention narcissism because the words in the song... "Clever got me this far Then tricky got me in Eye on what I'm after I don't need another friend" Fit. My experience. Sensation of life together as a script... No making it up. No partnership. I have been watching YouTubes "Is he a narcissist?"  I kind of get it. Its therapy. A re-frame. May even be true. I was trying to think why though Why was vulnerability disallowed in his family.. It starts with the misnaming. His dad telling me not to be sad, when I was angry. And that gallows laugh - again his dad... When I was angry... And how had this horrible unkindness grown and taken root in our family? I learnt it from my mom but I thought I'd seen it through. Sure we didn't start that...