Event horizon ...

Narcissist.

Hmm?

The only difference between a narcissist and the rest of us who think we are...is a belief.

The avoidant person believes: 

It has to be

His way

Implacable

solid.

Delusion projected upon

Ultimate gravity.

I mention narcissism because the words in the song...

"Clever got me this far

Then tricky got me in

Eye on what I'm after

I don't need another friend"

Fit.

My experience.

Sensation of life together as a script...

No making it up.

No partnership.

I have been watching YouTubes "Is he a narcissist?" 

I kind of get it.

Its therapy.

A re-frame.

May even be true.

I was trying to think why though

Why was vulnerability disallowed in his family..

It starts with the misnaming.

His dad telling me not to be sad, when I was angry.

And that gallows laugh - again his dad...

When I was angry...

And how had this horrible unkindness grown and taken root in our family?

I learnt it from my mom but I thought I'd seen it through.

Sure we didn't start that way.

I will track it down, if I can.

Make amends

Where I can.

But I didn't know that he was avoidant.

I didn't understand.

And the terrible process.

The catastrophic process

Anxious me / Avoidant him

Happened the first time I fell apart.

A thousand unhealed wounds.

Asking myself why?

How did I get to love someone who took my inability to be soothed by his blaming...

As me telling him that he wasn't good enough?

Anyway, I realised that what I'd taken as his inner gyroscope, his appearance of stability; was not what it appears to be. I should have noticed that there was no invitation to get closer, to gain security and emotional safety when I was upset. 

Only an invite to be a victim

To blame others.

When I said it wasn't anyone else it was just me...being hurt, upset...

Nothing!

I had thought that the appearance of stability meant stability.

But it is a freeze response

A quiet desperation

And it felt like bullying.

The ‘stability’ of an avoidant person is also an event horizon, for beyond that ‘stability’ is crushing, cold stasis and ultimate gravity. It isn't calm. It isn't love. It is a millimetre away from aversion and dislike, a breath away to dismissive, unkind rage.

And within this I was being torn psychically, limb from limb...

Everyday

Panic attacks.

It felt like I was going mad.

But in the light of what happened to Josh, that really didn't phase me at all. 

It was a mindf*** enough of me recognized the cruelty.