Rings around the moon.

The void of space is infinite and the starlight burns my skin. The pain I experience when I leave college and my husband isn't waiting for me takes my breath away. He has gone. I genuinely don't care if he is alive or dead now. From my own, agonized point of view there is only the infinity of space above me, the cold air, Mars above the moon. Mars - always with me on this journey. My rage is incandescent. I leave the classroom, say goodbye to people, I face the black path down the hill. I fill the void with music. Puscifer on my head-phones is the only difference, the only thing separating me from the time-slip, event horizon of frozen memories. Puscifer, Arcosanti, Jerome, there is an elsewhere and I can't get there until I have finished my course... And this is how it is. 

 The void of space is infinite and the starlight burns my skin. The pain I experience when I leave college and my husband isn't waiting for me takes my breath away. He has gone. I genuinely don't care if he is alive or dead now. From my own, agonized point of view there is only the infinity of space above me, the cold air, Mars above the moon. Mars - always with me on this journey. My rage is incandescent. I leave the classroom, say goodbye to people, I face the black path down the hill. I fill the void with music. Puscifer on my head-phones is the only difference, the only thing separating me from the time-slip, event horizon of frozen memories. Puscifer, Arcosanti, Jerome, there is an elsewhere and I can't get there until I have finished my course... And this is how it is. 

So there I was just chatting away on Zoom and suddenly two out of three books fell.  Heavily.  Off the shelf.  BANG!  Why two. Why any! If you ask me it feels...an unpleasant thing. I associate it with rage directed at me. Rage that belongs to my husband. Observation: My husband was angry with someone before -in the most passive aggressive way imaginable - that person found their car's windscreen smashed whilst they were in one city. Got the glass fixed, went to another city...their car window was once again smashed.  So much for my A level's in science and my Western upbringing.  Did I see it as 'psychic energy' at the time?  My friend certainly did. I neither believe or disbelieve.. That remains the same, but if you ask me.... I was telling someone about my WHM (Wim Hof method) experience; that this is the first time I've found a direct way to reach into the core of fear and teach it that things are good. This person has asthma, and the thought ...

I was dreaming that it was over. We had started to resolve it. His hand was in mine, eye contact and real tears. It was so precious, so fragile, so...much a dream slipping to the floor, sinking down and down and into the earth. As I rose out of it, watching the images fizzle into deep sadness and anger I was annoyed with myself.  How could my subconcious do this to me?  Of all the things I could dream, why dream what will hurt me the most?  Well, zero use in asking that question!  Call it memory getting de-fragged, memory-files play as they are moved.  So I'm de-fragged, time to move on. I reach for my headphones and get breathing! BOLT  is a test to guage how efficiently we breath. From breathing normally, breath out, pinch your nose and time how many seconds it takes before you have a bodily reaction to indicate enough is enough! A high BOLT score is 40.  Normal is 30.  Mine is pitiful, 15 at best.  And actually I did not know that ...

I don't know what it is like. I live in the UK. Of my American friends, some keep their heads down and didn't vote, others voted, whilst feeling isolated and under threat. I neither know or have an opinion about who they voted for. Me, I like this video.  Yeah, a negative representation (see Stuart Hall) of psychosis, very hard to show psychosis in a positive light. I have no idea how it goes in centers where everyone is aiming to be compassionate and kind. Psychosis is fear, a terror ride, and inability to process because of adrenaline to cortisol to screaming Groffian BPM 2,3 and 4. The higher the external fear and paranoia the worse psychosis gets? Or perhaps not. Perhaps inside and outside realities in accord, creates a kind of peace. Or a false reassurance that condones violence. Dissociation, sitting quietly and rocking for a lifetime is the opposing force to recovery. I still believe that psychosis is the brain's attempt to re-boot into sanity. But the sobering fact...

 So 'intrusions' are often the uncomfortable result of a process like Tesla's famous mind-only experiments. You know /  I know a lot more than I think I know, and a lot more than I would ever dare say even to myself.  So, my mind has been plagued by images of violence actually...because I very much doubt that my husband has decided to be a 'monk' and I very much doubt that her husband is likely to say, 'oh, did you have a nice time out in the car with 'him' again after work? Would you like a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit? No. The part of me that knows better is running the experiment, plus the sudden flash of image and things falling down or over... Said to me EXTRICATE! I listened, it means blocking and deleting.. And I felt really bad for doing this, like I was breaking a major vow. But if I was involved in anyway my husband would blame me (!) because I am the easy route to earth his feelings of powerlessness, guilt and shame.  Sure it is his...

Intrusions of the first and second kind [link] Intrusions of the third kind are divided into two types. Synchronicity. Unexplained physical occurrences. What makes it a type three, and not a type two, as a type two will appear with synchronicities and physical occurrences? Answer: a type two is explainable, it is odd and coincidental, but it isn't weird. Like when husband and I were sitting by a canal. I thought it would be a good opportunity to say how sorry I felt that I'd been so awful, and how much I cared about him. He met me with rage, told me to 'leave it', and just at that point where I was sliding into despair, a barge entered the lock and the name of the boat was Tara (which was the name I gave myself when I was a small child, and the first puja I accidently experienced - the reason why I took refuge with a Lama -  type three experience in itself).  As the boat floated by I classed it as a type two.  The degree of synchronicity wasn't weird enough to be a ...

Intrusion type one. Things don't add up. Things don't feel right. Antidote (to unconsciousness): Perls "Say what you see" don't use any ideas or theory. Antidote to personal discomfort: Use Gendlin (Focusing ) Antidote to straying silent: Use Rosenberg (NVC): I see, I feel, I need, this is what I want to change, add liberal doses of empathy, stay firm, stay strong, remember we only live once, be kind.. Reason for not acting type 1 - denial: The mind creates reasons for what has been experienced and a lot of these reasons state that doing anything will make it (will make everything!) worse.  This will feel absolutely true and can be true. Reason for not acting type 2 - gaslighting: The person who knows why things don't feel right will lie, will go along with anything you say that sounds plausible as long as it isn't correct, and eventually you will find yourself driving all blames into one cause. Your self. At this point the gaslighter continues to ...

I didn't buy a virtual ticket for Puscifer at Arcosanti, though Maynard has been my companion throughout this   l o n g   walk, through the blackest, and cruelest circle of Hell.  Maynard has voiced the things I couldn't recognize, and let me see, Virgil to my Dante.  But it doesn't feel over enough yet, to celebrate.  Arcosanti in Arizona. Down the road from... Gravity pulling me across oceans, mountains, over sea and through sky, to Jerome is still as strong.  That is such a weird thing... In an act of total optimism I have just bought a ticket to see The Covenant; a live gig in September next year. The Covenant were the guardians of my sanity during the previous circle. If Maynard is Virgil, who is Eskil? I guess he represents my inner voice of calm control, my animus. The aspect of me that says...'this is nothing! Give me more!!!'  I have lost touch with that during my walk (crawl) through the last circle. My courage and strength ar...