Intrusion: A moment when...re-visited.

Intrusion type one.

Things don't add up. Things don't feel right.

Antidote (to unconsciousness): Perls "Say what you see" don't use any ideas or theory.

Antidote to personal discomfort: Use Gendlin (Focusing )

Antidote to straying silent: Use Rosenberg (NVC): I see, I feel, I need, this is what I want to change, add liberal doses of empathy, stay firm, stay strong, remember we only live once, be kind..

Reason for not acting type 1 - denial: The mind creates reasons for what has been experienced and a lot of these reasons state that doing anything will make it (will make everything!) worse. 

This will feel absolutely true and can be true.

Reason for not acting type 2 - gaslighting: The person who knows why things don't feel right will lie, will go along with anything you say that sounds plausible as long as it isn't correct, and eventually you will find yourself driving all blames into one cause. Your self. At this point the gaslighter continues to 'help' by confirming how out of order you are, and rewarding you periodically when you are 'better'. 

Now opens the path to real distress: anyone undergoing any degree of psychological crisis will risk gaslighting from those most in a position to help them. The medical view of distress actively discourages Perls and Gendlin's imperative that we externalize and investigate, so there is little hope of climbing out of the trap.

Reconciliation between action / no action: use Gendlin's focusing. Sit with all options. Ultimately reality is real and cognitive dissonance hurts. Staying with denial will lead to disablement through somatic symptoms or an intrusion type 2.

Intrusion type two.

May happen when intrusion type one has not changed the situation.

Things now start to get weird, as the unconscious mind is working flat out to protect you. This is when the car started to 'talk' to me, this is when subliminal impressions of scent and body language have reached a tipping point; there was an aura about certain lyrics, images. There would be sudden mental images. I blamed myself. Because so many people describe an OCD process as being self-generated, and pathological. I thought I was hooked on the physical pain of it, as a way to get endorphins.

My intrusive thoughts were spot on. Waking from nightmare hearing a thought speak loud and clear "he always has his phone with him...you need to ask why". The experience was always an intrusion. I couldn't summon it, it dragged things from the physical world into hyper-meaning, but only in a symbolic form. 

Thoughts of suicide begin to parade in front of my eyes as the only way to make the pain stop. There is no truth and no one and nothing to blame except me. 

Self erasure as solution is a feedback loop that leads to disconnection between subconscious and conscious. Now the subconscious - whose one aim is to keep you alive - seeks an end to pain, and the conscious mind is suggesting self-murder. 

The subconscious with all it's living energy has real terror to contend with. If the conscious mind now closes the internal scream down to zero, disconnection between the two modes of thought occurs and self murder becomes possible. This is why suicidal people don't talk about it, don't even appear to be suicidal. The people who talk, who cry are still here, still fighting the situation, still fighting to stay alive. 

The decision to die is cold and calculating - an execution. 

Sure, not always, there is more, many versions.

But I believe that a great danger exists within a disconnect plus rage against the self.

Now Perls' wisdom wont help, nor will Gendlin's, nor will NVC except in dialogue with myself. 

At a level 2 all normal routes into better have failed. For instance I asked about the phone, and was given a reasonable answer. Then he used the 'what kind of a relationship is this if we act like we don't trust each other? Plus the statement "I would have deleted everything anyway, so there would be no point" which quite frankly was enough of a F**** O** for me to drop it. And so I was overwhelmed by my bodily sensation of absolute threat and I fell into powerless despair. Again. Because what my subconscious had told me was true, and I had allowed the cognitive dissonance to silence me.

Antidote: Actions to clarify a situation are the only way to go. This is when I'd recommend saying to yourself "What kind of a relationship is this if we can't trust each other" when the answer is, "It's the one I'm in!" start recording arguments. Something about trust has gone. Is it you or is it what is really happening? Recording arguments now will allow you to hear how it was, in the future, because you will need to process what has happened.. 

It is time to start bugging things if possible. I thought about doing this. I had a plan, but I didn't want to believe and I was too sure I could solve any problem no matter how bad it was (denial in fantasy) plus it felt amoral to bug someone. But I wish I had done it. It could have saved me a lot of suffering.

By intrusion level 2 nothing will help except truth. With truth comes clarity and validation. No matter how terrible the real picture of real is. Intrusions will stop, only flash-backs will occur as processing begins. There will be more pain and despair. But it is clean.

Recommendation: Use Eckhart Tolle to understand about 'the pain body' and Gendlin, to keep track of silly ideas - such as 'it will be ok, we can work through this if I try harder'. Focusing will show you what you feel and what you feel when you ask your subconscious mind for its opinion. 

Intrusion level 3.

It has a physical component- [(meta-events)]

An intrusion of the third kind is the hardest, darn thing to interpret.

And here is where you find out how mad I am. 

An intrusion level 3 is when things physically break, fall, move in an unexpected, almost inexplicable way. It is a wash of feelings that are not mine (they don't fit a thought, or the real situation I'm in). It is a rush of energy and a set of impulses, images, fantasy that feel sticky, they feel significant. I usually want to push them away, but I am quite good at being kind to myself so I observe and stay curious. They can be repellant, they are not what I want. Nevertheless, they have some kind of message; a warning - usually!

Then the phone rings and my feelings fit with what is actually happening. Always be guided by this, and use great caution is all I can say.

Level 3 is the psychic level, the level of psychic phenomenon. 

The quantum entanglement layer?

Too soon to speculate or go into details.

I may write about what is happening tomorrow, but I don't really feel comfortable with exploring it in public until I know what's happening.