Bullet Train to Arcosanti.

I didn't buy a virtual ticket for Puscifer at Arcosanti, though Maynard has been my companion throughout this   l o n g   walk, through the blackest, and cruelest circle of Hell. 

Maynard has voiced the things I couldn't recognize, and let me see, Virgil to my Dante. 

But it doesn't feel over enough yet, to celebrate. 

Arcosanti in Arizona.

Down the road from...

Gravity pulling me across oceans, mountains, over sea and through sky, to Jerome is still as strong. 

That is such a weird thing...

In an act of total optimism I have just bought a ticket to see The Covenant; a live gig in September next year. The Covenant were the guardians of my sanity during the previous circle. If Maynard is Virgil, who is Eskil? I guess he represents my inner voice of calm control, my animus. The aspect of me that says...'this is nothing! Give me more!!!' 

I have lost touch with that during my walk (crawl) through the last circle. My courage and strength are gone. My heart races suddenly - yep, good old panic. I was too freaked out, too fearful, too unable to steady my self when I last played a computer game.

All bands change, but I absolutely owe The Covenant some adoration for giving me songs such as this one (Tears in the Rain). I felt so disconnected, so alone so much of the time when my son was psychotic. This song gave me a way in, to embrace it, to allow the ripples of fear and helplessness to wash thorough me. I didn't think I was going to get through it, and I had to prepare myself for that.

And finally (for this blog post) I recon my ANS is in a bad way, because of those panic-waves..I have an app that tells me my HRV (heart rate increases when people breath in, and slows when we breath out and the difference gives an indication of how reactive -which is good -  the autonomic nervous system is). 

But my HRV is OK, it can even be good. There is another measure from the app - coherence - which isn't good, it knows that my heart is broken ...psychologically. This is very sad, but feels very true. I wish heart-break was mind only. Nevertheless, there must be ways to strengthen and mend by helping myself rebuild my trust in, and knowledge of myself.

So, I've signed up to learn Wim Hoff method. 

All I can do is strengthen what I have, and if 25 years of being treated as if I should run away from fear and sadness, something I see as the consequence of being with someone who never had the compassion or courage enough to stand in that place with me...It is time for me to remember who I am.