Rings around the moon.

When this first began... I started to keep count In cats. One cat = 9. By Wednesday night 2 cats worth... 18 times Imminent death. But his body (his expressions, the way he moved and spoke) and the meaning of his words didn't match. In his head it was real, but there was a lack of affect, a lack of emotional expression... So the constant 'I'm about to die' wasn't so bad. The emotional tone wasn't the same as the words, and I responded to the emotion - which was closer to regret, than panic - and regret for him leads to self recrimination, which I feel floats on a lava pool of white hot rage. What was bad, what did make me break down in tears, was how he sent his friends away. That really got to me. Also his university. Not helpful... Simply sent me a 'He will have to withdraw' And a form to fill in... Took me a couple of days, but I've replied asking that we be sent deadlines and dates for sending in work. I don't th...

I've spent most of today writing this blog. It has been my therapy. I make no apologies for my negative turn of mind. I'm stressed. I'm not happy. But I can do better. Yesterday and today I gave up, yesterday in particular after seeing the rage. I was frightened. But, now I'm not. Or rather I'm now aware that it is there, the discomfort I was feeling is validated, so I can accept my heightened sense of anxiety - it makes sense. Feeling what I'm feeling Think of Gendlin and his Focus technique... Congruence isn't about peace and happiness, it is about authenticity. OK, so I let yesterday and today just go.... Now I need to formulate a logical plan. Firstly what do I think of Person-centered, Humanistic approaches. Is it the right thing to validate someone's experience so that they will feel their own inconsistency and inevitably wake up? Rogers was clear in his own mind that the six necessary conditions were all that is needed.....

It has been eighteen days since Josh left his flat and became  service user. Someone now betwixt and between realities, who does nothing except pace and stare into the mirror. His death is no longer imminent. To be honest I don't know when he expects it. All I see in his eyes is an absence. No fear or panic, death is part of a bigger narrative of self recrimination, which is part of the anxiety, which makes him pace back and forth, back and forth and the mirror tells him of his demise It doesn't But like an anorexic, his perception is skewed by how he feels. It feels true to him to see decay.. And he says, see I don't heal anymore! And I say, yep...here's the proof - I point out a pimple that yesterday was angry and red and today has almost gone. And he says 'I've got a fever!' and I take out the thermometer and show him...no, you haven't. But mostly he is just waiting, waiting, waiting and honest to god I've seen all this befor...

The drop-in center is a part of A+E Despite what you may have heard, it was not packed to the gunwales... We moved smoothly through the system. From nurse practitioner Towards neurological tests To a psychiatric nurse... Then in the car again To a psychiatrist In the psychiatric hospital. By this time I was feeling disoriented, upset, lost, in need of someone to tell us something... Josh - now Service User just kept on talking about his brain tumors and degenerative disease, and this time he was telling a psychiatrist whose listening skills were aimed with laser accuracy to answer 'is this a person a risk to themselves, or to others'? and 'what else shall I proscribe after the SSI?' Towards the end, the mental health nurse picked up on my despondency. I said that we needed to talk to a counsellor. I didn't say it because I thought it could happen. I said it because it was true! I wasn't surprised that he didn't say, 'Certainly, we...

The next day dawned and the implications of what is happening were before me.. His flat. What about rent? His stuff... What about his degree? It was a panic attack in 2017 that began all this... A panic attack caused by his dissertation... Would the university allow him to defer his work? What about his student loan? How much money would he have to pay back? Then What about me? I could feel anger rising. I have just applied for a course for which there isn't a loan (so I've been saving) would I now hove to pay off his dept and miss my opportunity to take up my training? How much is this panic about being unable to ask for help with his course work? Was he really prepared to throw away his degree when he had just one unit left to complete? What had his tutor done, didn't he notice that Josh was sinking without trace into a paranoid, zombie? What about his job. What about him. What did he imagine would happen.... As he was about to die It didn...

The first thing I did after getting up was to walk down to the GPs to ask if he could be seen as a 'guest'. The ambulance crew had reassured me that he could see a GP anywhere, and this had been one of our concerns about taking him away from his home...that it would be difficult to get a doctor. The receptionist was resolutely, implacable in her assurance that it is impossible to just see a doctor; that it would take a week at the very least to register him as a 'guest', we should go instead she suggested, to the drop-in center. When I got home Josh was up and about and telling us how sorry he was.. Because he is about to die. I said, perhaps it is best if you die in a shrine room? And set about arranging for us to spend the day in a Buddhist shrine room... I thought if he can begin to relax If he can begin to notice that despite what he thinks, he isn't actually dying... Perhaps the panic will lessen and we can begin to get back to normal. All day...

As I drove closer to my son's address, the phone rang. His brother told us that Josh had just called another ambulance... We arrived before the ambulance crew. Josh was sitting in the kitchen, as white as a sheet, shaking and telling everyone that he was close to death He told us that this began the previous night while at work He had become unable to walk His legs turned to jelly... And I wondered how he had got home? But his legs had been OK for that... So he called an ambulance this morning And another just now He was convinced that he was about to die. I just saw someone having a massive panic attack. So I could be reassuring, and it was easy not to be caught up in his story... But I have never seen anyone so far gone before. The ambulance crew arrived Spoke to him kindly Reassured him that this is panic Took his blood pressure and temperature... Filled in forms... His brother stayed outside, the flat smelt of damp and everywhere was dirty. Perio...

It began with phone calls. Desperate messages. It began with such sadness and pain that I was overwhelmed. This phase lasted almost a year. Recorded in reams of messages in Messenger Stuck on the Event Horizon. Earlier this month a slow change. Translating from emotion into something frozen Now something sinister. Or is that just my mind racing... It is a gut feeling. It is why I'm writing... The transition began in this way. A text from a friend saying, 'I've just had your son on the phone to me, do you know how bad he is feeling'? I phoned my friend immediately: 'yes, this has been going on for almost a year, what has he said to you? 'That he is going to phone an ambulance..I'm worried about him.' 'Me too' was all I could say. My son didn't answer his phone all day. No messages Nothing. As I cooked the evening meal a feeling of absolute wrongness came over me. I stopped cooking. Covered the food for latter. ...