How it began...

It began with phone calls.
Desperate messages.
It began with such sadness and pain that I was overwhelmed.

This phase lasted almost a year.
Recorded in reams of messages in Messenger
Stuck on the Event Horizon.

Earlier this month a slow change.
Translating from emotion into something frozen
Now something sinister.

Or is that just my mind racing...
It is a gut feeling.
It is why I'm writing...

The transition began in this way.
A text from a friend saying, 'I've just had your son on the phone to me, do you know how bad he is feeling'?

I phoned my friend immediately: 'yes, this has been going on for almost a year, what has he said to you?

'That he is going to phone an ambulance..I'm worried about him.'

'Me too' was all I could say.

My son didn't answer his phone all day.
No messages
Nothing.

As I cooked the evening meal a feeling of absolute wrongness came over me. I stopped cooking. Covered the food for latter. I  phoned his brother who lives in the same town, and asked him to drive over and see what was happening. I began to prepare for the journey to his flat - 3 hours away.

I told my husband and he began to pack water and biscuits for the journey
My phone rang...
And it was my son...

Telling me that he was going to die.