18 days latter.

It has been eighteen days since Josh left his flat and became service user.
Someone now betwixt and between realities, who does nothing except pace and stare into the mirror.

His death is no longer imminent.
To be honest I don't know when he expects it.
All I see in his eyes is an absence.
No fear or panic, death is part of a bigger narrative of self recrimination, which is part of the anxiety, which makes him pace back and forth, back and forth and the mirror tells him of his demise

It doesn't
But like an anorexic, his perception is skewed by how he feels.
It feels true to him to see decay..

And he says, see I don't heal anymore!
And I say, yep...here's the proof - I point out a pimple that yesterday was angry and red and today has almost gone.

And he says 'I've got a fever!' and I take out the thermometer and show him...no, you haven't.

But mostly he is just waiting, waiting, waiting and honest to god I've seen all this before and so inside I'm screaming!

This is why I'm writing.
I'm not going to start screaming
As long as I keep writing.

He wont take any medication
- because it wont cure his brain tumors (the ones that don't have any neurological symptoms)
- he wont take any medication because???
I have no idea.

He doesn't want any treatment.
- after all it is too late
-how could this be the result of anxiety, he rationalizes...
And I've seen this before.

My husband's sister took the same route

My husband's dad is a gift for the practicing psychotherapist...
Name the defense mechanism, one per sentence.
Three per sentence!
Constant lying really...
And I don't know how to deal with it.

I got angry with him once...
And the horrible thing is...
He enjoyed it.

What is going on?

So actually I would welcome Service User getting a nMRI scan.
Perhaps there is a degenerative disease at work!

But knowing the cause does not provide a cure...

So what am I left with?
I keep thinking of Chuck in Better Call Saul

But the truth is, I'm having to fill in the form to say he can't finish his degree...And really, we could pull all the bits of work he has done together and give it a damn good try...

But he wont do this.
So I'm going to dismantle his life
He has lost his flat (we emptied it on Saturday - set off at 3 am because he hadn't got a key and someone could let us in only if we got there before 6:30 am).
I think the landlord took the rent...
The form to finish his university connections in on my desktop.
I'm going to have to face the Student Loans company...and see how much we have to pay back.

So yes, someone's death is imminent.
The young man who went to university is where now?

Sure I can be positive
See this as like a System Restore
Tell myself he should never have taken the course he took...
Now he can seek out a better path
Create a new life

But really I just see it as something else
Something destructive...

Only one unit left to complete the degree
Why allow the rage to win?

Underneath it all there is a terrible rage...I saw it yesterday when I went upstairs because he was banging his head against the door frame.

He stepped too close to me 

I felt threatened.