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Showing posts from October, 2020

1 am.

Feels like ages since I last wrote. I've a feeling - because I'm not checking - the last thing was my angry letter? Well, it needed to be said. Shouldn't be said in public though. But then again...  So I came here to delete. But I've deleted enough. No more. My rage, though it seemed to be what he's wanted all along, remains. So there's mourning to be got through, and my studies, and trying to remember who I was before I married him.  It's 1am because I was transferring 30 gigs of recordings to a flash drive, and watching them... Snippets and drama's from 2017 until September this year. I hated a lot of what I said and how I was. Knowing why I was so hurt and frustrated does not change that the problem underlying it all was very real, and it was hurting me... But because I made recordings I know that I didn't deal with it very well.  So, it is time to learn and to change.... Nevertheless he lied directly to me. He knew how I was twisting myself up, p...

A moment when the gates between worlds opened...

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Ok, well this song was one of those moments... Husband and I were in the car. He had a whole load of CDs from charity shops. I pushed one into the player and it was this track. Possibly it was his reaction. I felt uncomfortable. I had a very clear image... It wasn't that I knew (that he'd been having sex with a co-worker in the car) it was that my unconscious  knew.  Whilst my conscious mind had no option other than to let everything fall into a greasy broken, mud pool, cold slime feeling. I can't describe that feeling of I don't know. It was a fog. Like being blind. It must be denial, but when I asked to know, he told me I was wrong. That sense of relief when ever he said it was over and that he loved me.  I didn't think that he was lying. But it didn't go away.. That greasy broken, mud pool, cold slime feeling. The trouble is, I think that listening to the twilight language of synchronicity is how 'mad' people think and perceive. And churning up thin...

Dionysos.

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Nai,Oksygono (album) by Thodoris Sbilis There is a lot to be said about the why Dionysos is not intoxicated chaos and loss of reason. And a lot to be said about why Apollo isn't 'Apollonian' science and logic. As Gods who rule over the hidden away mental hospitals and home care, Dionysos is in the first terror-ride of psychosis, until Apollo takes you down into the sepulchre of 'Section'.  No name now, you are simply 'Service User'.  Apollo places the pill upon your tongue. A Holy sacrament to Reason. And Dionysos banished! Or so people would like to believe. Apollo is a tricky god, a Lord of poisons, plague and decay.  These are his gifts to you... Lithium is toxic. Risperidone fattens you like a sacrificial beast.  You cannot run. You must not scream... My counsel? Awareness is yours alone. I've always believed, because I read too much Jung,  that gods are the closest we get to speaking a language of mind - the whole mind that is, not just the li...

Writing on the wall: Three - Swamp Song.

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Tool have provided the soundtrack for this ordeal of betrayal. Maynard's lyrics have been a golden thread to follow through the labyrinth, in particular other work by Maynard (Puscifer 'The Undertaker', A Perfect circle 'Gravity', 'counting Bodies to the Beat' and 'The Package'.) Yesterday's track Intolerance and today's 'Swamp Song' both come from Undertow (Tool album). I bought it ages ago but I didn't really listen. I was too lost trying to 'spiral out' as I sang Latralus to head off panic attacks. Swamp song says it all.  Because where I've been is so sad, so raw, agony.  It is time to throw it back. Time to be angry. Because I wasn't the one attacking, or criticizing, I was a punch bag for his inarticulate rage, impotance and despair, he was unable to be open and vulnerable. He was unable to deal with his inner voice of criticism, making me carry that too. Perhaps if I hadn't spent three years in increasi...

Writing on the wall: Two - Intolerence.

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  Intolerance by Tool. Other tracks - for this blog is full of them - had their place. To express feelings of anger and powerlessness, to say what I feel. But this song is the cherry on the cake.  Intolerance, it took me three months to get to it. Which quite frankly seems fast. For a 180 degree shift Taking the dive into pure, uncompromising anger, has to be done. Probably best it be done quickly. Probably better if I had been placed in a padded cell with no internet access. You know what I needed to think to get myself to anger.  All here in this blog. That last lie took me there. It dropped me directly into the heart of my disgust and revulsion. Yesterday my son looked down his nose at me as I loaded up the car (in a rage) to dump another boot load of husband's belongings, my son feels that I'm being 'passive aggressive'. I said "You know I have never cut anyone out of my life before. No one, because no one ever actually lied to me, or spoke to me like I was a d...

Writing on the wall: ONE - Battle for the Sun.

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When I first felt this song matching and snapping into place, resonating with something I was feeling...I tried to ignore it. A song that says openly and clearly "It's not me it's you" was unacceptable to the person I wanted myself to be.  The good and worthy, lovable me. The me whose radiant goodness would win out. I wanted to be a person who didn't think or say those things... Well, you know how that worked out! This morning an invoice addressed to him came in the post. He hasn't specified anyway to get important mail, and he would say if I asked him what could happen with such post - I'm pretty damn sure he would say - "there's nothing I can suggest that wont upset you". Untrue Burning is number one - burn anything that is or has ever been connected to him - a very joyful solution. Next comes ignoring - I do a lot of that one. But ignoring stuff isn't me. What I have done before is: take the letters plus a heap of his stuff round to hi...

Ash...

Staying with Alien meta-story, the the way I feel right now is closer to encountering Ash than having blown the destructive, dangerous horror out of my life. I feel like I've been struggling, without believing that I was in danger. But now I see. That final lie was just too much. Why Ash? Ash was a synth. My husband followed his family's programming...   So my husband's 'prime objective' was pretty much the same as Ash's on the Nostromo. To maintain the 'intrusion' of the xenomorph, through secrecy and then...attempting to destroy the person who suspects the truth. People don't matter. With the xenomorph on Nostromo the crew would suffer. Likewise the happiness and wellbeing of the partners, the family don't matter. The crew do have a function, they are incubation pods for the host. Yes, what has happened to me and our family is that ugly. Incubation pods. We provided him with a compelling and powerful victim narrative.  The monster grew from th...