Rings around the moon.

Feeling incredibly sad, like I'm losing a race, watching a boat sail away, feeling not unlike I felt as a child when my dog was taken to the vets to be put to sleep. The impossibility of judging; is increased emotion a good sign? For sure, emotional absence (lack of affect) was not good.. There is a doctor's appointment on Friday. What do we do, what do we say? We keep replaying the choices; go the medication route (get sectioned, face yo

...was difficult. Ex-Service-User's monologue in full flood, for four days. I ate Christmas dinner wearing ear plugs. And the daytime noise doesn't calm down or end, and yet he is silent all night - one of the things I'm so grateful for...But really, the only model that fits the evidence (being coherent, polite and calm whilst talking to a doctor, police or waiting in A+E...) is character disorder. Regardless of origin, all his fear and rage and eloquent expositions of victim-hood, are aimed at us, my husband and I. The rage is aimed at us - ha, this is just guessing by me by the way - the rage is aimed at us because he has 'stuck process'  [link] . Authoritarian folk don't get it aimed at them straight away, but it would only take a few hours before they too would get the monologue and increasing anger directed at them. It is violent, and it means to do harm. Yeah, I'm sounding paranoid now, but I'm not. It takes a lot of courage on my part to...

Amazing, he got an appointment. The police had said they would be checking the surgery, so perhaps they had and...so...down the road we went. Both of us in the consulting room. The doctor appeared to be pretty good at listening. ExService-user very able to put a lid on the paranoia. After I gave her his history, and she said that it would be best if the Home Visit team came to visit - because they are experts ...I experienced the all too familiar thought of; why bother? Which bit did you not hear, which bit do you want me to repeat (and do you want to hear the recordings?). It was taking Citalopram and then stopping that helped exService-User under the bus. But from my point of view, it was the bullying tactics of the Home Visit Team that set the tone for this whole, sorry tale. No, we are not having the 'experts' in. We left with a prescription for Citalopram. But I see the punitive value of real world, and real world consequences as the best medicine. ExServ...

It's funny feeling the blocks in my mind as I write this. I write a sentence and then delete. I can't just write things out, plain and simple. Feels like it isn't fair, that I should try to protect something, but what and why...all the time I'm suffering visceral revulsion, and the experience of having my home smashed up bit by bit. I'm trying not to feel hatred actually. When the police asked me yesterday what started it my mind had gone blank, then I remembered:"he had wet the bed, that was what started it I think?" And they must have had the image of someone who just wet the bed while asleep. And thought perhaps we were being a bit harsh? No, he had just stood there and urinated on his bed... I didn't say, a few days ago he made a heap of his CDs and DVDs and urinated over them - in his room...And the excrement all over his hands - well, that's fairly normal. Right now I'm practicing saying it's not my problem.The police to...

I think after a while it becomes impossible to keep track. Things begin to blur. After he had smashed up his room, a mirror a lamp, other things, my husband phoned the police. Challenging behaviour becomes too challenging... My husband didn’t tell them about being punched. I’m not pressing charges. They will check to see if he has made a GP appointment tomorrow and revisit us next week just to see how things are. I needed to fill in a ‘domestic’ incident form, which is basically checking to see if I’m a victim of coercive control or stalking…all I can say is the questions asked are all black and white, there is no halfway, I can either say that I’m in fear, or I’m not in fear. The question: are things getting worse, and my answer - no...means that things have been this bad for over six months now. This misses out the nuances of living with someone who wants to be listened to all the time and gets violent when ever we go into our periodic attempt at modelling sanity (which is...

It's me who has to lead my therapy...so...do it at home version! What do I believe and what happens if I re-frame it? OK, I believe that I will never know what the right thing to do is. That's a fact. The world is very keen on telling you, me and them what should be done, and it isn't even because 'the world' will have to live with the consequences. It is just true that there is a way to do things that will get to the best outcome and there are ways that will make things worse, and it is true that most of the time the path to getting it right (the best outcome) will feel like the wrong path. And the path everyone tells me, you and them is the right path, will be wrong. Because no one knows! Now reverse that to get a re-frame. The world isn't keen on telling you, me and them what not to do because the world will live with the consequences. It is untrue that there is a path to better or worse outcomes. Doing things that makes it feel better is bett...

When we came home from the hospital we spent considerable time going over the rules. The rules are real world things, like washing hands, changing clothes. They are also beginning to get into dealing with...what ever this is? Accepting this is a Pure O 'syndrome until we find a better theory. So we asked, how are you going to deal with it? Websites tell us;  Reduce negative self-talk. Notice and try to stop seeking humiliation. I added avoid shouting / screaming at us. He agreed to keep to the rules. This morning began fine. Descended into snarling and shouting when I asked him what he was going to do today. This afternoon, more of the same. So, as you can imagine I'm regretting last night - asking myself why we didn't wait (in A+E) I mean how do people manage when they bring in someone who is suicidal, or really aggressive? This is why the police are involved and people suffering mental illness are kept in police cells, thus confirming all their paranoid delu...

It was to be expected. Every-time my husband had tried to begin the necessary sorting out of the dust-laden chaos of ex-Service-User's room, it ended in screaming and shouting. So it came to a halt. But damp clothing... Stuffed down the side of the bed! Things had to change. Ex-Service-User agreed in principle. So began two days of activity that though I'm sure is very worthy, and it has resulted in a clean room without dust or heaps, and means that everything can be accessed and used. But really? Is this a good way to spend our weekend? Two days of wearing earplugs Of being screamed at.. because we don't understand that he is going to be taken away and tortured forever...The reply, 'where are you now, what is actually happening?' remains our reply as we sift through smashed up and bitten CDs, books and artwork. By Sunday evening, though the room was finished and good... The screaming did not stop. But it is the rage that gets me.. Passive ...