A weekend of screaming.

It was to be expected.
Every-time my husband had tried to begin the necessary sorting out of the dust-laden chaos of ex-Service-User's room, it ended in screaming and shouting.

So it came to a halt.

But damp clothing...

Stuffed down the side of the bed!

Things had to change.

Ex-Service-User agreed in principle.
So began two days of activity that though I'm sure is very worthy, and it has resulted in a clean room without dust or heaps, and means that everything can be accessed and used.

But really?
Is this a good way to spend our weekend?

Two days of wearing earplugs
Of being screamed at.. because we don't understand that he is going to be taken away and tortured forever...The reply, 'where are you now, what is actually happening?' remains our reply as we sift through smashed up and bitten CDs, books and artwork.

By Sunday evening, though the room was finished and good...
The screaming did not stop.

But it is the rage that gets me..
Passive aggression on steroids.

Our other reply to screaming is, 'please stop, think about the people next door?' as we wonder why haven't they called the police? If I heard so much screaming....surely I'd knock on the door...but then, who would want to get involved in this! Would I dare to ? Well of course we all hope we would...but would we...would we...be able to walk into that and be OK and not panic...

~~~~SNAP!~

Ex-Service-User got into the car knowing that we were going to hospital.

In A+E
We sit in the waiting area
I'm not stopping the silent tears running down my face.

Ex-Service-User is as quiet as a lamb.
I'm paralyzed by hopelessness
A person who can control his madness.
Has control.

Remember
He doesn't want help

He just wants everyone to agree that there is nothing anyone can do about anything except let it all go down in a nihilistic ball of useless pain and suffering.

Just so long as he gets fed?

He doesn't care about physical comfort...
Or watching films, reading or living.

Only rage
That's the best and only game in town...

Medication took away some self control - and I expect with other people who aren't engaged in perception management and who want to feel better, loosening up that control is good. In this case I believe that ex-Service-User's self control is the only thing that stops him from harming himself and others..

And it is totally under his control.

Basically being here is not going to get any help.

I can see it.

A prescription - he wont take it.

Sectioning?
At this point in time if I knew that was going to happen, I'd welcome it. It would be awful, I'd feel like a complete traitor, but I can live with this. We gave him six months.

We are too close to assess if he is any better...sectioning....is back to the 'holding pen' after all, why talk to people who don't think they have a problem...they just need some bit of their brains knocking out.

And it is punitive, take your meds or else you will be back!

Always a risk of ECT.
What, troubled by bad memories, here let us help you...
The inner, organismic part of you knows you have been violated by being electro-shocked into convulsions...

No!
This is inhumane!

But two days of screaming?
At us.
Bullying...

When he gets called in, he will control his language, keep his delusions to himself, appear calm and rational, and just a little sad...

We told the nurse we were going
I drove home.