Rings around the moon..

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When I look into the feeling of grief, I find an intense sensation of loneliness, of falling. The metaphor of a room a thousand years wide (SoundGarden) reminds me of when my husband came into my room (before he told me that he was in love with me) and put the headphones over my ears...and that song? Within the metaphor I recognised how lonely I'd felt - abandoned actually (because I was abandoned by my eldest son's dad) and it was beyond awful, but I hadn't felt as if the expanse was endless...

Like father like son? 

I think my son is there - in his father's room, the thousand years wide room. 


When I think about it, the way my husband was - the fear, exhaustion, scared to leave the house. The flood of texts about wanting to be home, safe, with me (!) the 'love bombing' was all about anxiety I guess? His fundamental, autonomic nervous system settings - is one way to distance myself from the sense of powerlessness it evoked in me; I just thought it would pass. I thought it was about life being difficult for external reasons, but I no longer feel so sure.

And the apple never falls far from the tree? 

My husband turned into his father for sure!

Now when I think about this song, feel the lyrics - I think this is where my son is. The catastrophic. disempowering self attack is back. I'm triggered to hell. 

I need a plan.

And...to get out of that bloody room....I....need....TOOL!



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