I'm back.

I really, really did not want to come back to this blog. 

It's almost 11am. Josh is in bed. Josh has slowly cut himself off from everyone. His feelings about his dad are a smouldering heap of jigsaw pieces. I don't know where his dad is, but I have his old phone number (I'm sure he will have changed it). 

But he hit his son, is he even able to feel sorry? More to the point I doubt that he has a clue about what really happened to his sister.

Josh hasn't anything to get up for. He hides from the hurt of seeing that friends have jobs, houses, partners, dogs, cats, babies. This is how an entrenched OCD process works, magnifying a person's sense of inadequacy and worthlessness - because it hurts to feel that way and entrenched OCD is all about getting that hit of despair. By thinking about it, never facing it.

It overwhelms, it seems to all make sense, all about avoiding pain by maintaining it. The Idea that if you are safe and calm it will get better? 

No.

Last night, he was screaming. During the day often crying. I talk him through, I calm him down. Inside I'm being shredded once again.

Last night he told me horrific things - about what has happened to him that began his original descent into madness. A part of me feels sick, I put that to one side, treat it as I did my broken arm. Stay kind, be compassionate with myself. 

His process teaches me to understand exactly why people believe in possession. With Josh it began as Pure O, he'd say things to shock himself - a kind of self flagellation - and not appear to care about shocking others. This is why therapists don't react with shock to shocking things! The get out trick is knowing that words are not actions. A person telling me about something is talking, not doing. Any images in my mind are about the past, for reference. I know that no matter how bad, the person survived. Expressing care for the person here and now is the best response. 

Because an entrenched OCD process is all about endorphins.

Revelations by the sufferers gives them relief, a sense of temporary control, it can be a request for saving (and that's ok but...) reliving it again and again without using the memory to create an alternative set of actions, just gives the person adrenaline ( long term stress and then cortisol, then hippocampal function declines) plus Hebbs law, cells that fire together wire together ( more memories get linked to the shocking ones) and each retelling deepens the strength of the memory - it becomes a well worn path.

So here I am. I work in an outpost of CAHMs. I don't have a clue how to get real help for a thirty year old. 

I remember going to the GPs last time about it... she printed out a webpage for me. There wasn't any help, home visit team were a disaster.

The one thing that is bothering me the most is, what happened to his aunt? Her story is so similar to his, beyond similarity. I certainly wouldn't accept any psychological diagnosis as helpful because a psychiatric view gives a label and a medication, medication for a diabetes model of what? What is really going on? I doubt that she has ever had a brain scan. But yes it started with shame, distress...

Can people think themselves into dysfunction?

Can they think themselves out of it?

Ok, well taking everything I know seriously, am I suggesting that my son has a physical brain problem ( as he originally believed)...he puts the origin of this as drugs. So, irreversible brain changes due to drugs (including medication). He is probably right.

And an entrenched OCD process is kept alive by self administered adrenaline (shock, revelation) and opiates (naturally produced endorphins in response to psychological pain).

The vision of what happened to his aunt is beyond awful though. A part of me thinks it is time to ask questions - contact ex husband. To be honest I want the fake release if yelling at him because I'm scared.

Rage to release fear.

I get it.

But what happened to the aunt was also psychiatric care, followed by neglect...her parents were scared of her rage. Husband couldn't cope with his son's rage, whatever!

I have to do better. I need a plan.

I think one of the most interesting aspect of living with someone with this process is the sense of overwhelm and powerlessness as a consequence. I'm on tenterhooks waiting for the screaming, the smashing and worse. The sufferers live in dread and rage, 'it' their process, wants everyone to take pain, powerlessness and rage it from them, so that they will be free...this is why retelling the painful stories over and over isn't going to help. 

So many people live in this atmosphere...And this is why conflict resolution gets done in one day. Open the subject, negotiation towards concrete actions. End. Deciding to do something, changing the situation is so important! Feeling immobilised is traumatic - this is why I write. Document, record, with the aim of making sense out of it! 

The other OCD processes are, 1. ASC (autism spectrum, OCD as a stim) and 2.OCD as adjunctive behaviour following a random uncontrollable event such as bereavement. OCD in this case is a set of compelling rituals (or explanations) to stay safe. The OCD 'tells' people that more uncontrollable terrible things with happen if they don't put their socks in in the right way, or line up their books etc.  The stim version is simply that! 

The OCD post shattering event can be healed if the person gets support.

But if it's hidden, sustained, entrenched...

My son struggled on for almost a year until OCD became self attack. Then the home visit team with the threat of sectioning, externalised and embodied threat. His dad hit him. It goes on and on. 

Ok, no point thinking about the neurology aspect. The aunt part of this isn't useful for me right now. I only have control over my attitude, and my self care. 

Right! 

Get myself grounded, revise David Allen (yes, GTD ). Centre myself. Take a position between despairing, battle hardened mom and experienced solution focused psychotherapist.

Then whatever, just Keep It Simple, refuse to absorb the despair and aggression - stay with the process.

Thanks for reading, hopefully I will evolve some answers this second time heading out around the moon, entering the dark side. As the moon zips past me I'm looking out for two craters in particular! Jack parsons and Birmingham. Yes indeed, Birmingham really is a crater on the moon.

Explains why the sun was locked inside an old bank...?

Hooray for weirdness, more David Lynch!