Peace above pleasure..

Anxiety is a long haul nightmare mediated through the hormone, cortisol. Cortisol blunts the hippocampi - the 'sea horses' that file and compile reports on new experience through memory. And panic is a reaction to the physical sensation of adrenaline, fear of what the sensations mean. In short, sustained adrenaline leads to cortisol, leads to inability to make sense...cortisol makes it totally worse...six months to recover...

I like the way a scientific understanding drains energy from reality.

In my case, the energy is conveyed by a description of how bad it can get - and I'm not going to add colour because it is too awful - the bit where I feel like a dog being yelled at to 'stop it', or 'drop it'...is put here in a flat, and unemotional way. The bit where he threw his wedding ring at me. The times I've been told how stupid I am and how he doesn't love me. Well yeah...Those places are too bad, too cruel and so bitter.

They have not been repaired, nor will they unless he repairs them.

I remember cowering at the side of my bed, weeping, and slowly coming to understand that I'm not angry, instead I am drowning in utter and complete fear, almost unable to breathe. I am terrified of the reactions I will receive if I show my feelings.

Which leads to "I can't stand it" statements.

Exactly the same thing happened with Josh.
The moments I reached "I can't stand it" were the ones when bullying began - it felt like bullying, like he was dumping all his rage on me at at me. And I get the same now, but no longer from Josh.

So there is something going on here. Meanwhile, here is the map, this points to the way out.

*1/ First learn to accept and be in the physical sensation / understand and lose fear of sensation.

*2/ If no action is possible, a new point of view must be found / a dispassionate point of view that makes sense of the situation.

*3/ Glimpsing presence of the new point of view / seek confirmation of this core statement. Check that I agree with it and look for incidents that prove it.

The baseline for the core statement is: "Peace is more important than pleasure". I'm going to stay with this for a week or so, and then try to build on it...The implication that I can't show any distress, because it will be met with hostility is a different problem.