Round and round..
I genuinely do not know where to start. A magazine dropped through my door, it contained an article about stress. I skim read it and said to the interviewee "Your son only attempted an overdose!" what's stressful about that!
Which goes to show how I've taken to minimizing the cascading, echo effect of stress on myself.
Probably because there is a Catch 22 involved.
If you are suffering the effects of too much cortisol, you - own it?! OK then - I have got to a stage where every moment exists on the edge of panic attack. Panic attacks don't always have a trigger I can recognise. Certain sounds, events, names, places set 'my teeth on edge' which becomes a constriction deep inside me, a sense of heat and skin crawling...but panic attacks also appear to be random.
Like a n exponential cascade of discomfort, vertigo almost. It makes me want to run, scream, fight, but there is nowhere to run to or away from, nothing to fight.
I'll own this too, as you may have guessed, I am not doing very well, I am letting panic win too often. I now understand pacing up and down; the term 'adjunctive behavior' gets used. But the experience is - escape!!!!
I have a modification where I will walk around and around in circles feeling an increasing disorientation and nausea which is an intensification of panic which feels like I'm being drawn into a whirlpool - so I make myself spin until I can't tell which is floor or ceiling - whilst weeping.
I had some other metaphor about sharks too.
Because the sea is full of blood as I'm getting dismembered.
Oh yes.
Obviously this isn't something 'normal' people do.
I'm in a category 1, mind-destroying, hypo-campus pegging out on the floor, grade stress level.
But I'd say what I'm going through is pretty normal, it's what happens.
It's my environment, not 'me'.
But, back to the Catch 22. No one likes to be around panicking people; let me explain it - we are all very good at picking up each other's feelings, consciously or not..and we feel what each other feel. I will broadcast my discomfort. I'ts as offensive as smoking, this form also causing illness, alongside mental 'health' 'issues'.
Rogers explains that the therapeutic environment needs to be a 'safe space' and that means, no one can panic. yet there is safe panic. It isn't nice, it isn't easy...and you will have to find your own way, because I don't know how to do it, I'm just working on it at the moment.
Perls describes 'the safe emergency' of the therapy room, so he had something in mind!
My therapists was not keen on letting me get anywhere near where my panic lives, understandably, but it meant that she couldn't help me to embrace the panic (which is the only thing to do when it occurs). The wrong way is to, as as Maynard puts it, open up to venom and mania'...
And me, though I know why I feel this way; I know the origin and causes of my feelings, I also know what I need and what I am not getting.
Awareness is no cure, but is awareness Ariadne's clue, allowing me to find my way out?
Ha, it helps that I don't use drugs...is all I'm saying.
All in all this is a pretty bad time to be handling life changing decisions.
No wonder my tutor just didn't get why I have left my final year...two long email exchanges worth of confusion.
I know that I'm shot to bits, psychically all my bones are fractured, spiritually and physically I'm red raw and possibly bleeding to death. All that has stood between me and psychosis is my 'self talk', I know enough to seek what works.
I couldn't do 'problem-focus' counselling the state I'm in (my course was level 5 therapeutic counselling) and I know it is going to take me months to get over this second dose of misery, nevertheless it hurt to let go of all that work; each assignment was so difficult to write - my son screaming and smashing things...and all the people on my course...
Anyway...
Dancing to techno!
This works :)
Which goes to show how I've taken to minimizing the cascading, echo effect of stress on myself.
Probably because there is a Catch 22 involved.
If you are suffering the effects of too much cortisol, you - own it?! OK then - I have got to a stage where every moment exists on the edge of panic attack. Panic attacks don't always have a trigger I can recognise. Certain sounds, events, names, places set 'my teeth on edge' which becomes a constriction deep inside me, a sense of heat and skin crawling...but panic attacks also appear to be random.
Like a n exponential cascade of discomfort, vertigo almost. It makes me want to run, scream, fight, but there is nowhere to run to or away from, nothing to fight.
I'll own this too, as you may have guessed, I am not doing very well, I am letting panic win too often. I now understand pacing up and down; the term 'adjunctive behavior' gets used. But the experience is - escape!!!!
I have a modification where I will walk around and around in circles feeling an increasing disorientation and nausea which is an intensification of panic which feels like I'm being drawn into a whirlpool - so I make myself spin until I can't tell which is floor or ceiling - whilst weeping.
I had some other metaphor about sharks too.
Because the sea is full of blood as I'm getting dismembered.
Oh yes.
Obviously this isn't something 'normal' people do.
I'm in a category 1, mind-destroying, hypo-campus pegging out on the floor, grade stress level.
But I'd say what I'm going through is pretty normal, it's what happens.
It's my environment, not 'me'.
But, back to the Catch 22. No one likes to be around panicking people; let me explain it - we are all very good at picking up each other's feelings, consciously or not..and we feel what each other feel. I will broadcast my discomfort. I'ts as offensive as smoking, this form also causing illness, alongside mental 'health' 'issues'.
Rogers explains that the therapeutic environment needs to be a 'safe space' and that means, no one can panic. yet there is safe panic. It isn't nice, it isn't easy...and you will have to find your own way, because I don't know how to do it, I'm just working on it at the moment.
Perls describes 'the safe emergency' of the therapy room, so he had something in mind!
My therapists was not keen on letting me get anywhere near where my panic lives, understandably, but it meant that she couldn't help me to embrace the panic (which is the only thing to do when it occurs). The wrong way is to, as as Maynard puts it, open up to venom and mania'...
And me, though I know why I feel this way; I know the origin and causes of my feelings, I also know what I need and what I am not getting.
Awareness is no cure, but is awareness Ariadne's clue, allowing me to find my way out?
Ha, it helps that I don't use drugs...is all I'm saying.
All in all this is a pretty bad time to be handling life changing decisions.
No wonder my tutor just didn't get why I have left my final year...two long email exchanges worth of confusion.
I know that I'm shot to bits, psychically all my bones are fractured, spiritually and physically I'm red raw and possibly bleeding to death. All that has stood between me and psychosis is my 'self talk', I know enough to seek what works.
I couldn't do 'problem-focus' counselling the state I'm in (my course was level 5 therapeutic counselling) and I know it is going to take me months to get over this second dose of misery, nevertheless it hurt to let go of all that work; each assignment was so difficult to write - my son screaming and smashing things...and all the people on my course...
Anyway...
Dancing to techno!
This works :)
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