Rings around the moon.

So..it's been a difficult week. I had thought things were getting better - I mean when ex-service user's behavior is worse it generally corresponds to more lucidity, and he has more of an over-sight. What am I saying, that sounds complexly un-sane.. .when he is worse he is better? But then there is the problem of triggers... Yeah, we all have our limits Oh, now I'm saying it's me? So, he has found something that gets the most negative response from me. I mean it generally requires me to spend at least an hour cleaning up, it involves a lot of water, a lot of cleaning. But mostly it makes me really angry... And my skin crawls, literally I feel myself pulling my arms in close, hunching up, I don't want to touch anything in the house. Mr Freud would call it regressive denial or something like that. Him, not me. I'm probably doing denial by fantasy or some such - entertaining the crazy idea that this degree of un-saneness can't last - oh, peop...

This is a question that becomes increasingly difficult to answer. Psychosis is a country without a map, a location where the compass spins wildly; a play with no narrative. And Dr Google is a mirror reflecting only the most frequent copy and paste..Psychosis is more like entering the Bermuda Triangle than trying to get to Dorset without satellites. So a map has to be writ... Here I am  mapping.  So we had the challenging behavior. We still have the challenging behavior... The way I stop becoming disabled by rage and despair is to understand it in terms of attachment theory which paradoxically states that a person who is trying to drive me nuts with actions incompatible with civilized living, is doing it because they need to be accepted for doing unacceptable things. Things that are unacceptable... The unconscious imperative the challenger is operating under is to break it, before it breaks; try to break it to see if it can be trusted. My husband and me, we are the ...

As part of holding myself together I have counselling once a week. As lovely as that is...because the room is quiet, I get to talk a lot...and draw on the white board. As lovely as it is It misses the mark. Sure I have underlying stuff, but my main concern isn't entierly about needing someone to help me hold myself together. I need somewhere I can say all the things I can't say. Hence this blog. But I need more... To talk about the challenging behaviors I've dealt with this week. The poisonous thoughts I need to weep over. Last week as I left the room my counsellor said, this is the first week you haven't talked about your son... Because I've learnt not to. Inherent in most counselling traditions is the belief that the client is there to learn how to find their own resources, not to vent and not to say how bad things are. So it seems? But my problem is I need advice, to talk about the day to day and at the moment I'm feeling unheard! Thi...

It's always the sugar. The original vivid blue glazed sugar jar was smashed months ago. Since then its been a succession of jam jars. But the sugar jar gets smashed....and its never OK. The thing with 'domestic violence' is, I don't see it before it is here with me. The thing with violence is, a person who uses it doesn't see anyway to defuse the feelings before they explode. He doesn't show rage because he is fighting with himself to contain it. I assume he can contain it, since overwhelming rage is the name of his reality and most of the time it is contained... But when it bursts out, it is shocking, devastating and I really think that this time I'm going to be killed. So yeah, I'm in bits on some level - like the fragments of shattered glass, and ceramics, and a thousand grains of sugar... I lock myself into a safe room. I have my phone, the computer, my journal, car keys, glasses... I'm OK. Listening to loud music Writing it out......

Dinner time - 2 hours ago. I was screamed at all the way through. (yawn, same old old) = 'I'm going to be taken away and tortured forever because of X,Y and Z'. So I put my ear plugs in. Note: I have ear-plugs in my bag at all times. Again the form isn't accompanied by any fear. There is energy, loads of that, but it isn't fear. So this feels like manipulation; by somehow convincing me into conceding to his point of view, to see things in the way he wants me to see things. The rage isn't directed at me. It doesn't seem to be rage even...only when I asked for an apology as in, "I cooked for you .This is seriously out of order. I want an apology and for you to say thank you". Then there was rage at me, but he contains it very well. So I'm asking, what kind of interaction was dinner time? Is this stuff defensive or combative? Defending against what? Is it an affront to his dignity that life continues in an ordinary fashion! The mo...

The main reason I stopped writing? I think it was the feeling that if other people who could work out who I am read my honest words, they would feel compelled to help. I still get people telling me their theories about what could be the problem for exService User, and what could be done for him. My answer gets easier to say each time I repeat it. Have you talked to him about this? It isn't me who needs 'help'. Please do all in your power to see a person, not a disorder. The main reason is, I feel it can be seen as 'un-ethical' not to make ex-Service User get 'help. In particular, I felt that the GP friend of a friend, and the CBT therapist could not stand by and allow me 'to suffer'. I am grateful for their concern for me, but giving me advice about what ex-service User needs isn't help. It is fulfilling the dictates of various care laws that tend towards the belief that the disorder is more important than the person.... The other important...