Five years after psychosis.

I think that what I wanted and needed most, when my son was panicking and hallucinating and the home visit team was sending him into a downward spiral, what I needed beyond all things - was to know that one day it would be OK. That one day he would be able to look back at the fear and pain and get some kind of overview, some distance from the power of it.

Preferably without continuing with the Risperidone, Lorazepam, Zopiclone, Citalopram and Diazepam,

Five years later and yes, it is OK. And no more R,L,Z,C and D. 

How did that happen? 

Well it happened despite my husband's best attempts to sabotage it - and the consequences of his attitude and actions remain as horrible, mouldering left overs. It happened because The Early Intervention team supported my son. There was no cajoling or threatening (Home visit Team - or rather the psychiatrist who literally led the home visit team specialised in bullying). They respected my son's wishes not to be medicated, and the guy who came round to talk created open, free and easy counselling sessions. The psychiatrist providing Early Intervention, likewise, kind and human...

So yes, some services are much better than others and the good ones made a vital difference.

What else?

It happened because my son didn't want to take the medication and I supported him. By the way, just stopping (and I put all the pills in the garden) is a very bad idea, but neither of us had a good relationship with the GP by now, or the Home visit Team. Early Intervention was in the future. So, we rode the storm. Risperidone in particular was a nightmare, or rather it had nightmarish effects while my son took it  - for a young man to start growing breasts, to be eating and sleeping all the time, it was a kind of chemical castration. When he was first given it he became a shuffling, dribbling zombie. My friend whose daughter remains medicated told me, 'oh yes it gets better'. 

But you know...people are more scared of psychosis than the withdrawal effects of the meds!

Citalopram was the worst withdrawal. My son hadn't been on any of the drugs long enough for them really to have got their claws into him, but nevertheless - Citalopram was a real horror. Withdrawal caused my son to go into severe anxiety, pacing, pacing, pacing! It made him vomit. A sustained panic attack for almost a day.

But it's done.

Over.

The damage my husband did to him is now coming to the surface. The disrespect he showed, the physical violence. Certainly it was truly terrible to see what psychosis does to a person, to a family. But there are certain things my husband did that are unforgivable unless he himself puts it right - and I've no idea how that could happen!

So for any one going though all this, I mean if you are living with someone who is so stressed out, so panic driven, feeling deeply unsafe and heading into paranoia and beginning to become psychotic - what would I want you to know? Well I'm not at work. This is just a blog. I don't need to be impartial. My credentials for writing this are that I've seen almost the worst of it (I say almost because my son survived). So what did I get right looks like a good place to begin.

I put my own beliefs and ideas about medication to one side. I had wanted my son to take the meds. He didn't want them, I supported him. I didn't do it very well and I'm ashamed of that! For me the meds looked like the obvious answer, plus, the psychiatrist would be happy, and could have discharged my son after six weeks. To never see that man again would have helped us all. But, my son didn't want the meds. He thought they would kill him. Now obviously someone in an extreme mental health crisis will think things like this - except....remember, there are many ways to return to OK and happy again.  

What helped my son the most was the respect shown to him by The Early Intervention Team. 

So, medication seems like an obvious and benevolent short cut. But, the dose will never be reduced because first of all the brain gets used to the meds, and secondly, any withdrawal causes a mental health crisis...I imagine that tapering gives a slow crisis, but suddenly stopping can be lethal. Yet, taking the meds is also associated with suicide. I believe that Citalopram was responsible for my son's suicide attempt...not least because he saw them as damaging and dangerous, but having seen the withdrawal effects! I wouldn't touch the stuff with a barge pole. So I recommend that you hold tight and think beyond the promise of a simple way out.

Understanding the cause. Knowing the cause doesn't really give you the shortcut either. But eventually talking about what caused the crisis helps restore the whole story. Stops it being meaningless or worse, a sign of defect. As far as I can see (I've been working in mental health services myself now since 2021) 'mental health' begins with a shattering of identity, and a too many dead ends/experiences of violence/ experiences of being violated. Breaking one's own rules, losing too much of what kept you anchored, all these things can lead to a cascade of fear, panic, self attack, no sleep, and nothing to hold onto...until the mind begins to freewheel and create waking nightmares to explain the awful, physical feelings; muscle tension, churning stomach, terror...

So a person going through this needs to get to safety, somehow! And living with a person in this state will make you feel panic, disgust, despair - but you are only getting a tiny taste of their reality. If you are here, if this is you. I'm not going to say don't panic, because you will. Regardless of anything I can say. You will go through hell because their reality is contagious. But, there isn't a thing called psychosis, or schizophrenia, or even bipolar, or personality disorder. They are responses to catastrophic events that other people might just sail through. And a person who isn't sailing, who is drowning, is stuck...the terror loops repeat. They are addictive for the sufferer too - like watching horror films or eating red-hot chili peppers...They reduce with a detox. It is difficult to let the awful thoughts and feelings do their worst, but this is my recommendation. Terrible thoughts and feelings are a response to severe stress...let them pass over you and through. don't bother following them. 

But I'd also recommend giving them an afternoon once a week, or 20 minutes a day. Record yourself, video on your phone. Then listen and hear and be kind...

For the people living with a person stuck in chaos and dysregulation - trust in kindness. Be kind to yourself, be kind to them, Keep your eye on your own North Star, and help them to find theirs again...I'd recommend learning something of solution focused dialogue, asking the person what they would prefer to happen, asking what's better, asking what's helping them and complimenting their courage and strength. Ask yourself the same questions, talk kindly to yourself too. Always look for the instead - instead of X what could happen instead that I'd prefer, how can I make that happen. Speak a language of possibility and empowerment, and trust yourself. 

Everything changes.

And catastrophic changes will change...

Medication for a short period can help. Being sectioned can help too. But being given the identity of service user and believing that the meds are necessary might just be the thing that keeps the person stuck in the trap...Speak to the identity who is finding their way and escaping the trap. For some, taking the meds is how they escape. so be it! Support the aspects of the person's identity that are leading them in their way out.

Sounds simple?

No, it really isn't.

But the alternative of trying to stop or block, will cause conflict and more suffering, so hold tight.

When crossing this battleground within yourself, you need a good compass. That is made by knowing what you really think and believe. For me, this blog was how I forged my compass. But, there is no map because each crossing is unique, so navigate by following fun and the flow, and allow yourself to feel and to say it safely (writing anonymously in my case). Easy for me to say now...and this blog shows how 'mad' I became too. But if and wherever you can, sidestep  opposition. Hold tight to your truth inside, whilst dancing - not fighting - with other people's versions of truth. The problem occurs when the other has power. Knowing ways to recentre yourself after those encounters is vital. 

I'm going to think about this, do some research because those of us peripheral to the nightmare of severe mental health crisis, we get left out...I became a therapist because of all this, therapeutic counselling and mediation. and perhaps it is time for me to reassess where I am and what I'm doing now. The peripheral people matter so much in the equation of healing....

Of course when the way out is devastating in someway, speak up and out. This isn't about you becoming empty and vacuous, and saying everything is good! Far  from it.

For us, five years on, we are still shipwrecked by on an island that has clean water and good food. My son has held tight to his identity, bruised and battered, but just about intact. He hasn't come to terms yet with how his father treated him. My version of the story is that it was more comfortable for my husband to play a game of uproar, than face his own inner demons...he provoked, as a means of control and then tried to control by using withdrawal or violence. but underneath this, the win for him would be to say, 'I can't take this, no one can take this' - ergo he created the internal permission he wanted, to justify walking out.

And here we reach to the core of the matter.

Living with someone you love who is suffering severe mental illness will push all your buttons, will make you hate yourself, and it will break your heart. You will also have moments when you are frozen in terror. I can totally understand why my husband acted as he did...but the fact remains, it has broken my son's heart too...

And that I will never forgive.