Dynamic.

Before I take my time and use 'focusing' to really ask myself what I am thinking, here is the top layer. 

No contact protects me from gaslighting, his lack of authenticity. But it can't change the core problem between us. 

Which is? 

We never solved problems. 

I just shifted things around in my head. 

And kept believing that if I expressed what was wrong in the right way, he would would get it! 

Then we could move on, repair through kindness, and eventually play with ideas and do something better. 

Still sounds logical to me.

Yet nothing was ever solved. 

Because me, Mrs Try Harder made him, Mr Be Strong,  uncomfortable. 

Translated at the level of his chosen culture, that of the Teflon cow (my blog, I don't have to be nice) this became the cliche:

"You don't love the person I really am, because you want me to change. " 

Me: yep, sure do. 

I want you to stop pretending for a start. 

Strangely enough I thought I was saying, "if you love me you will move heaven and earth to change things that are hurting and harming me" 

Becomes outrage as he yells:

" How dare you say I'm harming you! 

Becomes," if you can't take my sadness, shock and grief seriously you genuinely do not love me "!

So now his manifest problem, to avoid knowing that his actions have and are harming me, has been solved by leaving me. 

Leaving me with actual, financial problems.

I believe it takes three weeks, twenty one days minimum to start experiencing some equilibrium after severe mental distress. So far it has been thirteen days of no contact. 

Though equilibrium isn't a problem solving process. 

It is a prerequisite for problem solving. 

So I'm happy to sit with this for now.   

To sum up: 

Question: how to solve problems with someone who acts as if I should accept his actions as perfect!? Over and over I was left with the inescapable conclusion that I really shouldn't have let on that things are not perfect. Those intrusive thoughts, I had before he was beaten up by Teflon cow 's husband that all turned out to be true? I did a superb job of calling it *my* anxiety! 

I need to get advice. 

History repeats unless something changes. He has lied to me, and in retrospect, I see his injunction - be strong - became 'never be honest about real problems'. So I'm justified in thinking that in his world view 'never be honest is the best way to avoid conflict'.

Means he will take action whilst pretending that nothing is happening. 

Hence my sense of danger... 

But regards the past, if I had 'been strong' and hadn't cried and felt broken hearted because when I touched him he felt as emotionally present as a corpse. 

He would be physically here. 

And hallelujah, we would have successfully recreated his parent's marriage. 

Ultimately then, regardless of what may be waiting for me around the corner, Limerace Road is an improvement.