Early Intervention.
I've not met the early intervention guy, I simply go away and pretend I'm not here when he arrives so Service User has all the attention. Sitting at my PC I can hear the tone of voice, but not the words coming up from the kitchen down stairs. EI man is 'dynamic' 'curious' and sounds very rational and positive.
Meanwhile things are not so great here, a spiral of repetitive thinking is gaining momentum. Or rather it never went away, it was always just below the surface. The D2 receptors blocked by Resperidone disconnecting feeling from action...Now it's gaining enough energy to break out once more. I feel conflicted, a part of me thinks I should stop my course and focus on him. Surely I could make sure that he is getting more experiences that will 'bring him out of himself' and feel free here to add all the other cliches. But the truth is, even though I think I'm mad to continue my course, and though I don't feel that I've been present for most of it (there in body but not in mind) and though I think I'm a wreck, it is what I want to do. I've passed each assignment on first submission...and if I don't continue, I don't think I will be contributing anything here, I'm no saint.
It isn't about time, I'm just not the person for this. There is a compelling narrative I'm not listening to that says if only I was different, none of this would have happened! But I disagree. When service user was first discharged he had a plan, and that involved him revising in preparation for an Access course, and so I'd make him breakfast, and help him with his work and I would be trying to ignore the waves of resentment I felt coming off him.
My attitude was and is, though I appreciate his effort in trying to hold back anger, it can be better used to access what he really wants to do, rather than aiming it at me! And as a result of witnessing his chaotic inertia become violent as his prime emotions took control...I'm just at a standstill with this.
Ah, focusing on EI man's tone of voice now...The air feels heavy, he is less dynamic. The upbeat positivity is still there, service user is talking a lot...A focus on content I'm guessing. I'm sensing more of that heaviness...I'm sensing sympathy, worry?
Meanwhile things are not so great here, a spiral of repetitive thinking is gaining momentum. Or rather it never went away, it was always just below the surface. The D2 receptors blocked by Resperidone disconnecting feeling from action...Now it's gaining enough energy to break out once more. I feel conflicted, a part of me thinks I should stop my course and focus on him. Surely I could make sure that he is getting more experiences that will 'bring him out of himself' and feel free here to add all the other cliches. But the truth is, even though I think I'm mad to continue my course, and though I don't feel that I've been present for most of it (there in body but not in mind) and though I think I'm a wreck, it is what I want to do. I've passed each assignment on first submission...and if I don't continue, I don't think I will be contributing anything here, I'm no saint.
It isn't about time, I'm just not the person for this. There is a compelling narrative I'm not listening to that says if only I was different, none of this would have happened! But I disagree. When service user was first discharged he had a plan, and that involved him revising in preparation for an Access course, and so I'd make him breakfast, and help him with his work and I would be trying to ignore the waves of resentment I felt coming off him.
My attitude was and is, though I appreciate his effort in trying to hold back anger, it can be better used to access what he really wants to do, rather than aiming it at me! And as a result of witnessing his chaotic inertia become violent as his prime emotions took control...I'm just at a standstill with this.
Ah, focusing on EI man's tone of voice now...The air feels heavy, he is less dynamic. The upbeat positivity is still there, service user is talking a lot...A focus on content I'm guessing. I'm sensing more of that heaviness...I'm sensing sympathy, worry?
Comments
Post a Comment