After London.
I am at one of those, 'I don't know where to begin' moments. People are people and life brings up stuff, and stuff happens, but I didn't expect betrayal. I'm not going into details. Just know I experience it as waves of grief. What helps is naming the question when some kind of flash-back experience is playing, because somehow those moments when I see my life racing past my eyes and start to feel the black waters of oblivion drowning out my connection to the world...whilst I'm ostensibly looking for a bag of flour, or coffee, shopping in a supermarket..As I sink and the tears well up in my eyes I know there will be some kind of statement/question underneath it. If I can catch it and ask it, I will move forwards. Mostly it is details of the betrayal. I have the kind of mind that needs to know the truth. I am more able to put things to rest when I can orient myself to fact.
It has been one month now, this is the fourth Friday since it happened, and this week has been tough. Much arguing, no good stuff to overwrite the bad. How much of this do I ascribe to our last year? Quite a lot really. Support for relatives is non-existent. In theory Early Intervention are supposed to support us too. We haven't asked and they haven't offered. Ultimately, I can't imagine what kind of support could earth the panic, grief, rage and all those moments when I thought I may well be killed.
I think to reach that core of chaos it would have to involve a shaman and fire and probably a lot of screaming!
Going through all my recordings, audio+video and this blog, seeking some kind of perspective on what how my son tried to kill himself and what happened... is a task I mean to begin soon.
It wont involve a shaman, or screaming...
The betrayal has affected me and my future, and this is another blow because it came as I was ending the first year of my course, and as I'm a wreck I am not considered fit to seek a placement. I will get 'reviewed' in October. I've no idea if I can turn this thing around by then. I'm running at about 70% give up, 30% continue right now. I feel as if I will be broken forever.
Service_User has been pretty much OK but since returning from a few days in London he seems to be unraveling. He takes Resperidone when he thinks about it. It is unlikely that this is a good thing. And has taken to smoking, ironic as the first presentation of poor mental health was his conviction and solid belief that he had cancer.
London though...and parties. He said he didn't drink, and I have no wish to know anything about what he did instead. But being with friends who got their degrees and are busy making things and a name, must have been tough.
Parties and drugs got him into psychosis, they are hardly likely to get him out of it...
It has been one month now, this is the fourth Friday since it happened, and this week has been tough. Much arguing, no good stuff to overwrite the bad. How much of this do I ascribe to our last year? Quite a lot really. Support for relatives is non-existent. In theory Early Intervention are supposed to support us too. We haven't asked and they haven't offered. Ultimately, I can't imagine what kind of support could earth the panic, grief, rage and all those moments when I thought I may well be killed.
I think to reach that core of chaos it would have to involve a shaman and fire and probably a lot of screaming!
Going through all my recordings, audio+video and this blog, seeking some kind of perspective on what how my son tried to kill himself and what happened... is a task I mean to begin soon.
It wont involve a shaman, or screaming...
The betrayal has affected me and my future, and this is another blow because it came as I was ending the first year of my course, and as I'm a wreck I am not considered fit to seek a placement. I will get 'reviewed' in October. I've no idea if I can turn this thing around by then. I'm running at about 70% give up, 30% continue right now. I feel as if I will be broken forever.
Service_User has been pretty much OK but since returning from a few days in London he seems to be unraveling. He takes Resperidone when he thinks about it. It is unlikely that this is a good thing. And has taken to smoking, ironic as the first presentation of poor mental health was his conviction and solid belief that he had cancer.
London though...and parties. He said he didn't drink, and I have no wish to know anything about what he did instead. But being with friends who got their degrees and are busy making things and a name, must have been tough.
Parties and drugs got him into psychosis, they are hardly likely to get him out of it...
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