Rings around the moon.

I am at one of those, 'I don't know where to begin' moments. People are people and life brings up stuff, and stuff happens, but I didn't expect betrayal. I'm not going into details. Just know I experience it as waves of grief. What helps is naming the question when some kind of flash-back experience is playing, because somehow those moments when I see my life racing past my eyes and start to feel the black waters of oblivion drowning out my connection to the world...whilst I'm ostensibly looking for a bag of flour, or coffee, shopping in a supermarket..As I sink and the tears well up in my eyes I know there will be some kind of statement/question underneath it. If I can catch it and ask it, I will move forwards. Mostly it is details of the betrayal. I have the kind of mind that needs to know the truth. I am more able to put things to rest when I can orient myself to fact. It has been one month now, this is the fourth Friday since it happened, and this week ha...

I've not met the early intervention guy, I simply go away and pretend I'm not here when he arrives so Service User has all the attention. Sitting at my PC I can hear the tone of voice, but not the words coming up from the kitchen down stairs. EI man is 'dynamic' 'curious' and sounds very rational and positive. Meanwhile things are not so great here, a spiral of repetitive thinking is gaining momentum. Or rather it never went away, it was always just below the surface. The D2 receptors blocked by Resperidone disconnecting feeling from action...Now it's gaining enough energy to break out once more. I feel conflicted, a part of me thinks I should stop my course and focus on him. Surely I could make sure that he is getting more experiences that will 'bring him out of himself' and feel free here to add all the other cliches. But the truth is, even though I think I'm mad to continue my course, and though I don't feel that I've been present fo...

Today it seemed worse than any day since sectioning. My aim is to dissociate from the monologue; the endless because sentences that all speak of wasted time and hopelessness. Not necessarily because it's better for him. Because actually it's better for both of us. Though the morning started fine, by dinner time I was beginning to feel the pre-sectioning, skin crawling vibe. It is like having ants under my skin, except it is him not me, transmitted in the way he moves, body language, tone of voice. I could feel myself pulling the imaginary armor back on, alongside a desire to just run! and keep on running. So? So...lets's just hope it was a missed tablet.