Pacing.

Well yesterday was a 'Summerland' day; a day to help Ex-Service User create good memories. Only...who knows! We went out and he paced. We were out, now sitting in Costa, and he was talking about how the police could be about to get him. We went into a shop...and all the time I could feel the timer ticking, asking myself, how stressed is he now, how many people have noticed that - guess what - he is pacing.

Summerland is possibly a good theory, I mean I think it sounds like a reasonable theory. But he isn't someone who needs any more distraction!

This morning I awoke to feel as if I'd been hit over the head during the night. My stress quota is back to dysfunctional-normal for me now, after falling down to zero over the weekend. My husband seems to have some kind of food poisoning today as well..

So anyway, I got in touch with a therapist to see if she can offer ex-Service User any treatment, and I put on headphones and listened to Turkish psychedelia while I was at the computer...so I couldn't hear the floorboards above me, creaking as he paced up and down his bedroom, until I cracked - again - and have just told him in no uncertain terms that he has to switch on his laptop, sign out of everything (so that 'they' don't know he is online) and google anxiety management then come down and tell me what he is going to do to manage his anxiety!

So far it is clear to me that the reason why people are given medication is for the sake of the 'sane'. Ex Service User gives off 'black air', the way he moves transmits his anxiety so I feel as if my chest is full of wasps - which is how he is feeling. His anxiety is so extreme I think only a dead person wouldn't feel it.

But the medication didn't 'cure' any of this, and nor could it...he is the one who has to decide to change, or to go away!

 It is impossible to live with someone who has no regard for the feelings of others. And I see his agreement that pacing maintains hyper-vigilance, and then continuing to pace...as something I either keep battling with (for his sake) until I reach the point where I demand that he goes away; an ultimatum that has to be given to an alcoholic in the end, because living with an alcoholic who continues to drink...is devastating...too much.

Addiction or mental health issue, I don't actually care. Everyone has issues, and if you can't deal with them alone or with friends, you go to a therapist or take the medication or what ever - even self medicating could be seen as trying to help yourself? - but once someone has told you that you are making yourself ill, and must do something better to help yourself...if you don't...why should anyone continue to help you?

So, that's where I am.