Enough.

As I walk past the bathroom, I think I hear the sound of my husband weeping, his tears falling as he showers. I'm upstairs to fetch my coat, the fake leopard fur. I'm cold in a way only despair can make me feel. I think you may rightly judge from that word dispair, we have really had enough. The 'Summerland' visit was too much, it proved to me that there isn't a way to distract ex-Service User better. My feeling yesterday that his whole life is a distraction, just grew and became a conviction.

I don't think his comment about drugs last night, helped either - class A - not medication.

The drug connection is something I have no idea about, but increasingly the subject makes me angry. I can't remember if I wrote about 'Princess Ketamine' before? She was ex-Service User's ex-girlfriend and she came to stay here after ex-Service User got out of the psychiatric hospital. At one point ex-Service User asked me if I had a problem with her....and yes, I damn well do! As he asked me it slowly came back why I didn't want her around him. I remember her Instagram photo and references to taking Ketamine...

Anyway, later she messaged me, I explained that it is me, not her, that I can't deal with the drug connection...and she said that she didn't even smoke weed (unquote) and 'that she is a good person' and I just plain didn't reply. There is nothing to say. So ex-Service User drops these bombshells every so often, telling tales of things he did and how he regrets it. I assume now this is more 'addict' behavior - I define addict behavior as a cynical, manipulative attempt to gain sympathy from an empathetic other. His words do not convey regret, they convey an attempt to shock and to hurt the listener, to get them to express shock and concern or punitive behavior...if it was about regret it would be a different shape, it would be 'open' and about seeking change.

Anyway, Princess Ketamine had that same lack of 'affect', emotional deadness ex-Service User has, the inability to feel anything deeply.

I remember someone telling me about a trip he once took that left him unable to feel any emotion for perhaps three weeks. He said it was the worst experience of his life. The drugs did what ever, but the after effect took those three weeks to resolve. Ex-Service User told me something similar...but he hasn't come back.

All those weeks ago, on her first visit Princess Ketamine brought Codeine and Tramadol for ex-Service User. He took some and this was with his anti-psychotic, SSRI and Lorazapam and he became dissociated and mad...and then I just saw it, the whole bullshit take a drug so you feel better crap. Well he did - with you - and spent three months in bed taking drugs and messing up his degree...so now he has just got out of hospital and you are offering him pills again. So, why the weeping today? Because enough is enough really. There are rules, which we have to constantly reinforce, like telling him to change his clothes, shave...but he is doing nothing at all to help himself. I am supposed to see this as 'illness' but I can't.

I didn't see my dad's choice to drink himself into oblivion as a disease, because it wasn't! It was about chasing distraction, self-medication, a refusal to speak the truth about himself and his life...as if getting angry is too difficult!

By now we have heard it all, probably seen almost all of it too.

So there is no shock left, only anger - on a good day.
Or despair, like today.

I told him that unless he began to seek ways in which to actively help himself I would ask him to leave. I think the point is to put that in writing first, and if nothing comes of it, get a solicitor to write it...but truly, this can't go on.