Saturday..

So this was the day my husband got the anger.
Basically the feeling we get is - Something doesn't add up.
Service User is angry, and we know this and he doesn't do passive aggressive in the ordinary way, so I was confused.

A lot of his acting weird is about freaking people out, because he can turn it off in an instant...
And his fear of being attacked by them is caused by the way he acts...I can't see where the balancing point is though, some of it is so unconscious that he may not have control - but most of it, he really does appear to be in control of...

So how much of what's left is our fault?
I'm not sure...
We can't ignore him because he would then follow his aunt, who likewise gives me the impression of being poisonous with rage, which is why her dad just lets her sit in bed all day - because it is horrible to be with someone who hates you in a silent, two faced way....I can see why he feels the only way is to leave someone like that to molder away, conflicted by the 'victim' act, whilst feeling their total disrespect...so in the end, both of you unable to do anything.

What happened tonight was, Service User asked me about the phases of the moon and when I had explained the phases to his blank face, I just suddenly saw through the mask and into his pure  (passive) rage...So I asked him if he resented me telling him. Then so he was telling me that he is angry with me for his childhood, that he blames me, because he spent all day playing on the computer when he was a child...

But I'm not feeling generous.
I feel sick basically.
So I pointed out that most times when I invited him to do some work, he didn't want to....and now he complains that he should have studied...

And everyone thinks that they have rubbish parents.
No one thinks their parents got it right.
My parents were terrible - in my opinion - but they were what they were!
They did what they thought was right, if I didn't tell them stuff, or felt hard done by, that was my choice.
They did their best.

So where does this leave us?
I wish that I knew.
I do see the way he acts as challenging behavior ( not doing the basic, simple things and not helping himself in any way) a sort of play act of stupidity that just doesn't fit. If he was stupid he wouldn't be so stupid if you see what I mean? I mean by that he doesn't make any attempt to do better, the obvious lack of effort is a constant kind of F*** off statement somehow.

He doesn't see it that way, but for me it really is...
And perhaps this is why having the arguments is a better path than enduring the passive aggression?

As it is, I don't have the energy or fortitude, or even the compassion to go down stairs and see why he is silent in the kitchen - instead of washing up...I just want to be elsewhere.