What I could have known.

I've watched a lot of YouTube videos. Obviously. I feel like I'm drowning, I cling for dear life to anything that promises me a way out of Hell!

The question that came to me today (I'm sitting on a wall as I write this, on my way to the shops) is: what could I have known, if I'd used first principals derived from physiology?

Answer : everything has to become calm.

So far so good. 

I was convinced that I could only get to calm through openness and acceptance. 

Sounds logical. 

I wanted him to make me feel OK.

Yep, that's where it starts to go wrong 

And when he didn't I became louder and my heart, mind, soul, body and spirit felt drenched in acid.

What I could have known is, the advice that talks about openness and acceptance comes from a tradition in which this makes sense. Basically a Christian perspective. Also people may be invested in getting you to watch their videos and a slightly confessional, punitive theory is quite honestly addictive, 

Because it feels good to to hear someone say that the 'bad' person must put things right.. 

I, me, any of us who are a betrayed partner feel a lot of anger, much righteous indignation. Of course I know I'm angry, but I hadn't been able to see how that was showing up. And to be honest, looks like my intrusive thoughts are linked to anger...since they have more or less stopped since he left me. 

I experience an hysterical clawing belly beast that teleports into my guts at more or less the same times every day. But I don't link pictures or expect him to save me. 

Since he has gone...

The truth is, I can only get to where I want to be, by doing it. By being the outcome, rather than focusing on the goal. My goal was for us to be happy together, to feel safe. 

So that is how I have to act. 

If you think I'm being unrealistic, me to. Nevertheless the logic is watertight. Be the change you need to see, sums it up. This is a very SFBT mode of thinking, I'm so grateful that I came across SF. But it isn't easy.

Anyway... Right now I recon I've got a 2% chance of saving my marriage. That 2% is worthy of all my strength, time and my courage. 

My integrity is all I have after all. 

And my new counseller? So different from Gestalt! We are doing family constellations, which is positively shamanic in my view. I love it! The word is Entanglement, and the concept is morphic Resonance. Funny that my therapist considered Gestalt theory to be difficult to grasp.