Rezonater.

Well one day and one morning written off. Paralyzing despair. My friend, the one who knows how to torch cars (!) - amazing who you meet when training to be a counseller - called me.

I listened to myself as I spoke to her and...

Clearly no contact with him is better.

A part of me is asking, what happened? 

Why has all this come to me. 

A hundred and one answers compete for my attention, and I'm not picking up.

Because no matter why or what nothing changes.

All I can do is manage it.

At the moment I'm heading into a white hot, coruscating super nova of pure rage. 

It's a good sign when Trent Rezner turns up.

[Though this video isn't Rezner, it is a brilliant cover, well worth taking seriously.]

Basically my credo is things can be repaired. This is how I got through Josh's psychosis, how I wrote my assignments with him interrupting me to tell me about the CIA or Satan every minute. I know that anything can attempted with love and intelligence, joy and daring. I feel absolutely validated over this regarding Josh by the way. I don't regret any of it. If I made us take the path we took, I thought my husband was on my side...

And?

It cost me.

Lost my daughter and lost my husband.

Yep.

Now I'm looking at...Well, all along my attitude of taking the ride, has been dismissed quietly... for twenty-five years... with a static face, or worse with a concerned and serious "yes" and no more is ever said until I fall into despair and ask yet again "What, where were you? Then he appears mystified and find myself spelling it out step by step over and over, and he still stares at me, or agrees with the appearance alone of conviction.

His families motto "nothing to be done" a plea and an excuse to no one for nothing.

I was thinking the other day about that sick smile his dad gave me when I got angry because he wouldn't help me try to put a ramp up to get his wife out of the house so that she could sit in the garden. I got angry and described the unkindness and irresponsibility as unbelievable!

And he smiled.

He enjoyed it...

What?!

My blood ran cold.

The connection?

Not sure.

It's at the edge of my awareness right now...need to go to bed.

Sleep on it.

May get a link.