Traumatising...

My husband came home half an hour ago. First thing he asked me was about the sim card. Her husband smashed her phone, and the sim was in the bin...Her husband wanted the information off it and I said I'd help him. 

As my husband speaks I am suddenly back there. 24th May, looking at some paper on her table that had come from my house...brown packaging decorated so it could be used for colouring in. I ripped it up and dropped it in the bin... One more betrayal, to find anything at all from my home, there. 

My husband wants to know about the sim. He also tells me me a colleague has visited her to see how she is "OK, not great" and the dagger slides into my heart once more. 

She is 'off sick'. 

When he returned to work it took me three days to get him to understand how serious I am about no-contact. Whilst listening to Heilung on repeat, I wrote a contract called 'continuation of marriage'. 

No sign = no marriage.

He did not see why no-contact matters! In practice no-contract is evidence of understanding the degree of suffering a partner is enduring. And understanding the degree of damage and pain the partner feels is going to be crucial. 

Just this amount of 'contact' him talking about her with only a hint of concern has uprooted me, thrown me into that 4 am phone call... Their house, her, my knowledge of what they did. I'm standing in the kitchen, her husband tells me what he has read, what he knows. 

Memory of how my husband treated me. Gaslighting someone, gaslighting me... Has wrecked me.

No-contact is serious. It is the end of our marriage if any relationship starts between them.

You know, it isn't sex that does it. It is the emotional closeness with her, and the nastiness shown to me that corrodes my heart and mind. 

A year of grief resolved, resolving, reopened. Each time it could be OK, getting to better. Then another emotional distancing, another way to show me that I'm not his love.

The next time is the last time.