Intrusive thoughts.. More?

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Intrusive thoughts to the point of vomiting. 

They were at an all time high as I drove to the garage so he could get his car. Who would have expected that!

The next day it was something else... Suburbicon.

And each time is a walk through Hell for me.

In the end I came up with this, I throw stones at the image in my mind. I imagine myself in the car with them, or back in her kitchen looking at her Suburbicon glasses. I know I'm powerless, but I can express my pain and rage by smashing the picture.

The pile of stones is by my right hand, and I throw and watch the picture shatter as if that is all it is. 

Suburbicon glasses?
Yeah, the dad in the film, she had the same glasses... I watched the film partitioning my mind. One half had a grip on the present, the other half was there suddenly I see the colouring in paper from our home, in her kitchen. An expression of their love, she loves him so much this paper is precious... My blood is boiling but I rationalise. Never a good move. 

Smashing the image is all I have. 

Talking about it elicits defensiveness and anger, then catastrophic distancing ; cold, black rage. Then I will start to wail inside. Crumple into a hurt mess of Despair. Then I am weeping and pleading, saying "be on my side". 

Smashing the image is my only trick. 

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