So how did I call to Papa Legba? And I'm sticking to my belief... Only way to make sense. How else could I have been offered this gift of the river and the maze. After he was beaten up Days full of painful, hurtful revelations. I sat here, unable to think or move. For hours. Singing: ...Mr State Trooper .....Please don't stop me ........Please don't stop me.. Pleading with life, luck and fate to open the way for me. I wanted out. I wanted out so bad. And would I have taken it? If my phone had rung. If As has now been said I heard the words "Please come!" No That is one thing I know about me... I don't let go until I'm sure. It's an ethics thing. I've done so many dumb stupid things in my past. I've learnt to stay still and think... Am I now sure? Sure that my husband really is intent on this being as bad as he has made it? That he really wants to alienate himself from us, his sons, from me? He has discovered who he thinks he really is...
So, mental health triage is a newish thing pioneered in the West Midlands. It is a team of three, the psychological assessment bit coming from an IAPT, which is - I think, don't quote me - a person with a psychology degree who has some counselling skills. Therefore a triage team seems to me to be a really good idea when things are getting out of hand and others can't cope with an individual's chaotic behaviour. A police cell is no place for someone experiencing severe panic, rage. Yet the single thing that has always been aspired to, and constantly missed, is asylum or sanctuary. A place of grounded sanity and safety. Real asylum or sanctuary doesn't exist as a ' main stream' option. There is a Home Visit chemical mist delusion of asylum, which must be better than hospital - if ex service user's experience is anything to go by...or hospital plus the chemical haze, so called medication ( the chemical lobotomy)... Real asylum would be a place...
Just when I thought it was all over. I honestly don't know what to do about what is happening. But this madness has to stop. Psychosis is understandable, it is human, it's fierce and terrifying, but it is immediate and alive. This - the thing I'm trying to deal with here and now is way worse...and I don't know how to deal with it. I fought one round with it (1988- 1990), and left my home burning (!) no, nothing was burning. I simply let him (my first husband) have everything, didn't ask for a penny. And I made sure that all blame could be levelled at me. This was important. I gave my first husband a narrative that side-stepped his lethal victimhood and inability to blame his abuser. I had to keep my daughters alive, I had to get out without causing him to blame himself. And I did it. I managed to create another life, and on we went. With my second husband, with our open doors, home-ed and kids everywhere, people were amazed at what a happy family we were. Three chi...
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